Christoph Waltz

Fluent in German, English, and French. Wins a second oscar for playing essentially the same clever-bastard role he did in Inglorious Basterds (less Nazi this time, granted) over Tommy Lee Jones, Alan Arkin, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Robert De Niro. How can I get a dinner reservation with that crew. Shit.

Ang Lee/Life of Pi

Despite mentioning that it was a waste of time to talk about the entire cast/crew of Life of Pi during his acceptance speech, you’ve got to appreciate the guy for making a movie everyone thought couldn’t be made. We thought an Indian boy and a Tiger named Richard Parker chilling on a boat for two hours would be boring. Guess amazing special effects and a couple tabs of acid will help with that.

Jennifer Lawrence

And she still gracefully accepts the Best Actress Award right after. At the age of 22. Be real: who isn’t in love with her right now?

Argo/Ben Affleck


Benaffleck (pronounced Ben-uh-fleck) had an interesting Oscar night. Let’s first get to the positives. 15 years ago, he and Matt Damon wrote a little script by the name of Good Will Hunting. It skyrocketed both of their careers to great heights — but on Ben’s end, only until he made some poor life choices that may or may not have to do with Jennifer Lopez. After a few years of turmoil, he started to turn things around with the help of little brother Casey. Finally, after successfully getting dark and Bostonian with Jeremy Renner and Jon Hamm, he rose to the top of the ranks a couple years later with Argo. His emotional acceptance speech for best film was at the very least a clear indication that he knows how lucky he is to have clawed his way back. More detailed analysis of the speech (and how quickly he delivered it) later on.




Daniel Day-Lewis

British actor Daniel Day-Lewis poses with his Oscar for best actor for his role in "Lincoln" at the 85th Academy Awards in Hollywood

I mean, come on. What can you really say about the guy. Meryl Streep didn’t even open the card before announcing his victory — the guy is just on another level. Rumor has it he stared at a penny for 72 hours straight until he saw his own face on it as part of preparation for the Lincoln role. Then when it’s all said and done he makes a hilarious joke about his role and Meryl’s Margaret Thatcher role getting mixed up. Goddamn charming bastard. Nothing to do but to love him.

Quvenzhane Wallis

Jack Nicholson and Michelle Obama


Having only Jack present the Best Film award would have been appropriate, but the producers went ahead and pulled the first lady into it. Not because it was a GO AMERICA-heavy nominee lineup, or anything. Just because everyone loves Michelle, right? Yeah, no politics were involved.

Regardless, she charmed us as usual, and left us wondering what Barack was up to when the award had been handed over to a hyperventilating Ben Affleck and company. Most likely, he and Joe Biden were dancing like this with Tony Mendez somewhere:




Seth Macfarlane


In his defense, hosting the Oscars is really a lose-lose job unless you’re Billy Crystal. And even then, you’re bound to get a lot of hate sent your way. Regardless, Seth’s particular brand of humor was probably never going sit exactly right with Hollywood’s elite, and as expected, it was largely hit and miss. At least he had Shatner’s help in acknowledging he couldn’t live up to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s standards. Oh, and his hair looked good.

Anne Hathaway

For reasons beyond my understanding, I hate Anne Hathaway. She’s a beautiful, talented actress who’s clearly worked really hard to get where she is. So what’s the problem? What’s the point of disliking her? Why is she even on the loser list? Well, it’s quite simple. She’s a beautiful, talented actress who’s clearly worked REALLY hard to get where she is. Also, a majority of people seem to agree with me on this. Proof: the official term for people like us is “Hatha-haters.”

Zero Dark Thirty


Maybe the Academy got bored with it leading up to voting. Maybe it was too soon for the Bin Laden story. Maybe it needed badass Jeremy Renner if it was going to live up to Hurt Locker’s standards. Whatever the issue actually was, Zero Dark Thirty flopped at the Oscars. Argo Fuck Yourself, says Alan Arkin.

Kristen Stewart’s Foot

85th Annual Academy Awards - Red Carpet

It was hard to ignore Kristen Stewart’s horrible mood when she presented the award for Achievement in Production Design with poor, sweet, Daniel Radcliffe. Apparently she sliced the bottom of her foot open before the big show, and showed up with crutches. I have a feeling her expression would have been exactly the same even if she wasn’t injured though–boyfriend Cedric Diggory–er, Robert Pattinson, didn’t join her at the Oscars.

The Cast of Chicago


This reunion couldn’t have been more awkward. Nothing like hearing crickets after Richard Gere’s bad joke though.

Musical Performances in General


There’s a reason some people didn’t go see Les Miserables. One being that they didn’t care to see Russell Crowe sing his heart out. We didn’t sign up to see this at the Oscars. Enough with the musical performances. This isn’t the Grammys.


Raged On Blow

Kristen Stewart


Her sunken face would have you think otherwise, but this one’s a no-brainer.

Sandra Bullock




“I’m really good at sex and I can bring sodas and snacks and soap and stuff.” – Ted at the Oscars

Isn’t this the plot of Boogie Nights, in which Mark Wahlberg becomes a porn star and at one point spirals into darkness thanks to a coke addiction?

Ben Affleck


This one’s for the camp that thinks Benny Boy was coked up during his acceptance speech. People on the other side of the debate will argue that he spoke incredibly fast because he was limited for time, and please, he was a man wrought with emotion. To them, I say: why can’t it be both?

‘Til next year.