Tinder is an app that presents its users with a virtual stack of photos of potential suitors and bachelorettes. Accompanying each photo/profile is an area to write a paragraph about yourself and also lists of your shared Facebook Likes and mutual friends. Mostly, however, Tinder is about judging people based off of their appearance.

When a photo of a match I find to be unacceptable pops up, one vicious swipe to the left is all it takes to “Nope” someone out of my life forever. At least until Tinder’s algorithm brings her back around. When a more intriguing prospect appears, I can double tap her to view a few extra pictures before I cautiously slide her photo to the right to put her in the “Liked” area. Thus, like Mitt Romney, I assemble my binders full of women.

When I check off that I “like” a girl, my photo will be mixed in among her daily digest of possible love interests. If she swipes me to the right as well, then we are matched. This means a faux-text conversation between the two of us is arranged. Romance at its finest.

Before I (briefly) discuss my own experiences attempting to meet women through my iPhone screen, I’d like to make a few general gripes about Tinder first.

• Why does every girl have a quote from Marilyn Monroe about how important it is to be ridiculous or something about how they’re making sure they live life to the fullest? What is that supposed to tell me? Oh, so you don’t like to be bored? You try to have fun? This has prompted me to make my own status paragraph read: “Live your life the way you would have lived your life if at the end of your life you had lived your life how you hoped you would have lived your life.” Hopefully this is keeping away the YOLO girliez as opposed to drawing them in like moths to a flame.

• It’s cool that Tinder lets you have five photos, but the lack of opportunity to explain anything else about yourself is a bit annoying. I’d like there to be a height/body type section so I can explain to people that I’m 6’2” without coming off like a douche (Shit, I just came off as a douche).

• Why are our shared Facebook likes listed? Wouldn’t it be better to include an interests section? I don’t learn anything more about a girl by knowing we both clicked like on South Park, Sour Patch Kids, and “Going slightly out of my way to step on that crunchy looking leaf.”

• What do I do when I see someone I know? If I like-swipe I might send the wrong message, but if I nope swipe they might realize I find them to be unsuitable. Either way I’m an asshole, so I usually just rotate between each choice.

As in the real world, it is largely considered the responsibility of the male to make the first move. In an attempt to be funny I’ll usually open with some sort of one liner based on a photo or a shared Facebook Like. “How often do you wear that cheetah print leotard?” proved effective. An extensive survey of one Tinder rejection has revealed that asking about mutual friends does not bode well, no matter how funny your initial joke about her listed passions for squash and sangria was.

I haven’t gone on any Tinder dates yet, but I have had several faux-text message conversations. I wouldn’t be against going out with someone I met on the internet, but I haven’t quite found my Tinderella yet. In the end, it’s hard to really convey oneself as a socially competent and attractive person via a few photos, a paragraph, and some Facebook data. I wish I could properly explain to people that I am humble, attractive, intelligent, and funny in that order, but we’ll have to wait until Tinder sets you up with your matches on FaceTime for that.