The NBA season is now under way and Bill and Jalen’s NBA rankings are now standing up to the test of time. The bottom ranked Philadelphia 76ers beat the top two Miami Heat and Chicago Bulls on their way to a 3-0 start to the season. The league leader in contract-criticism, Kendrick Perkins, has a higher PER than Derrick Rose in his triumphant return. In general, The random nature of sports has proven how pointless ranking the teams based off of preseason conjecture can really be. That being said this collection of the top-7 previews contain enough clever cultural commentary, Jalen singing sessions, and more-funny-than-relevant statistics to make them worth watching even now that the living hell that is the NBA off-season is over.
Part II – Competitors for the NBA Ranking Chamionship:
7. (5) Los Angeles Clippers
The recap of the incredible awkwardness that was Bill and Doc River’s feud about Doc quitting on the Celtics snuck this ranking into the top 10. Doc’s statement following Bill’s assertion: “I would like to call him [Bill Simmons] an idiot but I’m too classy for that.” Has to be the least subtle backhanded comment of all time. As an added bonus, Blake Griffin is finally called out for only jumping over the hood of that Kia Optima in the 2011 NBA dunk contest and not the car itself.
6. (4) Indiana Pacers
The constant references to Larry “Legend” Bird lift this video out from the jumble of mediocre competitors. Re-watch the Magic Vs. Bird 1v1 shoe commercial takes a trip to an NBA many contemporary fans never got to see. The footage of Bird’s 60 point outburst against the Atlanta Hawks had me falling off my couch like the Atlanta players did from their bench after a particularly unbelieveable Bird-3. At times the constant tirades into pop culture and past players can grow tiring, but knowing that Bill simply couldn’t resist this excuse to show Celtics highlights during the Pacer’s preview made this one worth it.
5. (7) Brooklyn Nets
Andrei Kirilenko walked away from the Minnesota Timberwolves and a 9.7$ million dollar contract in order to sign an offer from fellow Russian and Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov for $6.3 million to play on The Nets. Bill and Jalen speculate that Prokhorov has offered a private island and unlimited use of his yacht to make up for the 5 million dollars and extra year Kirilenko gave up. Bill and Jalen’s deconstruction of the ways the Nets stand to beat The Heat earned this preview the accolade of “most related to basketball tangent”, unfortunately that will only get you to number 5 in these rankings.
4. (25) Sacramento Kings
“Boogie” Cousins gets an NBA Franchise, enough said.
3. (10) New York Knicks
The footage of Knicks Owner James Dolan singing with his blues band who “clearly like him for who he is and not because he is a billionaire” coupled with Jalen’s suggestion of making cider from the Big Apple lifted this video as high as the Freedom Tower in the rankings. Bill also predicted that Andrea Bargniani might find some success in NYC after feeling spiteful towards fans in Toronto, this .gif says otherwise.
2. (22) Atlanta Hawks
The fanbase mindset segment in Atlanta featured a video of the world record largest tequila shot. The champaigning and campaigning segment featured the legend of the Gold Club and the peak of Jalen’s subtle allusions to the fact the NBA players may or may not particularly enjoy the company of strippers. This one was a party from start to finish, and everybody loves German first-rounder Dennis Schroeder’s earrings.
1. (8) Houston Rockets
Bill compares Dwight Howard to a beautiful woman that is secretly a horrible alien. Jalen’s prediction that Durant will leave to play with the Rockets and Westbrook will eventually join the Lakers with Kevin Love shook the boat that is the internet AND he admitted he once bought the shirt off a cabbie’s back to get into a strip club. This is what the NBA rankings are all about.
Bill Simmons and Jalen Rose’s eight hours of rankings were not meant to direct Las Vegas in the decision of what odds to give NBA teams to win the championship. When viewers watch a preview, they take in something much more special than your average session of Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless yelling stat-lines at each other on First Take. Bill and Jalen give the people what they want by talking about the NBA teams in the same way the average fan would. When it comes right down to it, the public really does care more about Lucas Noguiera’s hair than his field goal percentage. Grantland’s recognition of this fundamental truth of sports-fandom is integral to it’s popularity.
Bill Simmons and Jalen Rose’s eight hours of rankings were not meant to direct Las Vegas in the decision of what odds to give NBA teams to win the championship. When viewers watch a preview, they take in something much more special than your average session of Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless yelling stat-lines at each other on First Take. Bill and Jalen give the people what they want by talking about the NBA teams in the same way the average fan would. When it comes right down to it, the public really does care more about Lucas Noguiera’s hair than his field goal percentage. Grantland’s recognition of this fundamental truth of sports-fandom is integral to it’s popularity.
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