What’s a guy gotta do around here to disgust the general public so much that he’s no longer welcomed on the radio? Apparently, a lot.
Currently, Chris Brown is part of two songs charting on the Billboard Hot 100. The former woman-abuser is sitting in jail collecting royalty checks for brand new songs. The radio seems immune to these controversies, giving only a shrug and a hit’s-a-hit attitude. It got me thinking about the way we hate celebrities and the very clear scale of disgust that celebrities fall into.
Tier One: Can Do No Wrong
Only a select group of celebrities can breathe the rarified practically-hater-free air that our most perfect, beloved celebrities do. Think Beyoncé, Lupita Nyong’o, and Jennifer Lawrence. These celebrities walk a very thin line before elevating into the very next level. Consider yourself warned, Lupita, there’s only so much we can take of your face, no matter if it is the most beautiful in the world.
Tier Two: Overexposed
Remember when you first heard ‘Happy’ on the radio? You turned to whoever you were in the car with, an excited glimmer in your eye while you cranked the volume. You actually pretended that car was without a roof and you smiled and when the song was over you kept driving, humming the tune. Think about what happens when you hear the song ‘Happy’ on the radio now.
It’s the same way we feel about Aaron Paul saying bitch or Ellen DeGeneres hosting the Oscars. These guys are all super lovable celebs, but maybe they need a vacation, or at least we need one from them.
Tier Three: Talent
Kanye West, Anna Wintour and LeBron James. These are celebrities whose talent demands respect and supersede most feelings you have about them. It doesn’t matter how much you think Kanye is an over-indulgent self-absorbed prick, if you aren’t going HAM at the club when Gold Digger comes over the speakers, then you’re just a bitter, joyless person. It’s the same for LeBron James whose Decision has only been forgiven after years of defying our logic of what a basketball player is able to do. These are celebrities with plenty of haters, but a catalog of work that helps their defenders drown out the bad.
Tier Four: Obnoxious. Like A Fly You’re Too Lazy to Kill
Celebs like Gwyneth Paltrow, Anne Hathaway, and Taylor Swift fall into this category. You hate when they (constantly) appear, but you’re probably talking, or at least tweeting, about their conscious uncoupling, award as a weapon against self-doubt winning performances, and honky-tonk songs about how that guy was mean to her that one time, respectively. Point is: You don’t have to like it to know exactly how it feels to be 22.
Tier Five: The Untalented
This group has the added vitriol of jealousy. We feel slighted because the likes of Paris Hilton, the Kardashian family (excluding Kim, more on her later), and anyone else with reality television fame has done nothing but be born. Us, in our sweatpants bingeing on reruns of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, feel slighted because we start thinking: we can do that, I could prank Bruce all day, where’s my millions? My TV show? My lavish lifestyle?
Tier Six: Kim
Kim Kardashian has carved out this level all for herself. It’s just one of her many… “accomplishments.” She didn’t fit in the untalented club, because, frankly, we hate her more than that. We reserve a special place in our heart for the disgust we feel for Kim Kardashian. She got a cover of Vogue and the public kicked and screamed, and threatened to give up their subscriptions, and even sued! She’s married to one of our most powerful entertainers and carries a cultural cache above what anyone in the previous category can lay claim to.
Tier Seven: Petition to Remove Them From the County
Justin Bieber mostly owns this category, but let us not forget that a large part of the country would also put Barack Obama here. Bieber was doing fine just being that cute, little kid who sang essentially the same song about puppy love over and over again. Then, like all of us, he discovered drugs. Imagine if when you discovered drugs and alcohol you had no rules or financial limitations. We would want to ship you to Canada, too. #Pray4Bieber.
Tier Eight: The Certifiably Insane Club
It’s not as much hate, as it is complete disregard of these people as respectable human beings. Mike Tyson and Dennis Rodman are slotted in here. The type of unfathomable celebrity whose actions are as unbelievable as they are moronic. They’re punching bags to the worst degree.
Tier Nine: Chick-Fil-A
This is where celebs like Chris Brown, Mike Vick, R. Kelly, and Woody Allen come into play. They have committed heinous crimes (allegedly, in Woody’s case), have done jail time, and are just begging us to hate them. We just can’t seem to give up on something like Chris Brown’s awesome beats; I mean, hits; I mean, bangers….
Exactly like when the CEO of Chick-Fil-A made some heinous comments about the LGBT community. We truly wanted to stop eating delicious chicken sandwiches but found ways to rationalize not giving up a great product.
Tier Ten: Finally Crossed a Line
As you can see, it’s taken us a long time to get to this level. This is basically the only club that forces the general populous to remove a celebrity from our lives. These celebrities commit real, bonafide crimes; those on par with psychopaths that become infamous simply for their crimes. People like OJ Simpson, Phil Spektor, and Aaron Hernandez are all in this club. And by club, I mean jail.