Justin Bieber Seth Rogen

Celebrities have it rough. When we, the simples, say stupid shit to helpless and available ears they usually dismiss it, if they even heard it, and forget it if they retained it for that moment. But celebrities (the important peeps) say stupid shit just like us, except that their words — good or bad — are written down, recorded, tweeted, retweeted, blogged about, Instagrammed and all that noise. But here’s the thing, when a celebrity is an asshole, like really just a straight-forward unapologetic asshole, I can handle it, even enjoy it and accept it. But when a celebrity, or anyone for that matter, masks their assholeness with the notion that they’ve been offended, or that they’re concerned or feeling attacked or whatever the case may be, I have to speak up and say who’s the asshole here?

Last week I found two cases of “who’s the asshole?” involving Seth Rogen and Monica Lewinsky (not like that). I’ll start with Rogen and his efforts to put down Justin Bieber. Rogen, someone who I was all down for prior to this hissy fit on Howard Stern, sounded like a whiny, jealous, hot and bothered little boy all because Biebs wasn’t as excited to meet him as he had hoped.

“What the f***, I don’t want to meet you!’ Rogen said of the first encounter on Howard Stern. “Don’t act all nonplussed to meet me. I didn’t want to meet you.”

Rogen continue to rant.

“I saw him again at like an MTV awards show, he literally had a snake wrapped around his f****** wrist that he was wearing,” Rogen explained. “I talked to him for like five minutes…No humility, no awareness, no sense that I appeal to young, young people, maybe a grown man who works in comedy doesn’t f****** give a s*** about me. Maybe I should act in such a way that perhaps this isn’t the great experience of his f****** life.”

Everything about this is unnecessary, and all I hear is an angry 32 year old calling out a 20 year old pop star for not being excited enough to meet him.

As for Monica, she’s worried about what might/maybe/potentially happen when Clinton runs…nothing has happened yet, but now it definitely will.

Oh Mon…

She told US Weekly “when I hear of Hillary’s prospective candidacy, I cannot help but fear the next wave of paparazzi, the next wave of ‘Where is she now?’ stories, the next reference to me in Fox News’ coverage of the primaries,” Lewinsky explained. ‘I’ve begun to plot out the cycle of my life based, to some degree, on the political calendar. For me, it’s a scenario in which the personal and the political are impossible to separate.”

Monica said she has recently found herself “gun-shy yet again, fearful of becoming an issue should [Hillary] decide to ramp up her campaign’ for office.”

Her published essay in Vanity Fair, along with this US Weekly interview, and whoever she’s talking to right now, is what’s putting her back on the map, and not Hill’s candidacy. Maybe I’m missing something, but I didn’t even think about Monica until she made me. When I hear “Bill Clinton,” yes, it’s true that somewhere in my mind there’s a faint distant echo of a small quiet child’s voice saying “Monicaaa…” But when I hear Hillary Clinton? Nah. Sorry Mon, I think we’re no longer that interested. You don’t have to worry about whatever storm you feared was about to come, except that now maybe you do since you’re clearly so down for it. But also (just because how can I not say this?) don’t sleep with, or do whatever you did, with the President of the United States if you’re so anxious about being in the spotlight. #tips

I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes it’s hard to tell who the asshole really is, but it’s important to give credit where credit’s due, and Seth Rogen, you’re kind of the ass here, and Biebs is super chill given his mature response on Twitter that read “Seth Rogen sorry I didnt bow down when I asked 2 meet u was probably a bit shy and didn’t want to be over the top but still. love ur movies.” Bravo J Biebs. Definitely blown away by how normal and not asshole-ish that response was, which of course only ups Rogen’s shitty behavior. And Monica, your obvious request to be put back on the spotlight through asking to not be, and expressing your fear-filled dread that you will grace the cover of tabloids alongside Clinton has been heard. Not to worry.

As for Solange’s assault on Jay-Z? TBD.