If there’s one thing to know about me its that from the ages of 11 through 21 I ate on average 1.5 rows of Chips Ahoy Chewy Chocolate Chip cookies per night. With milk. No dunking. I like all chocolate chip cookies. Hard, soft – it doesn’t really matter as long as the basic ingredients are there. I consider myself a bit of a chocolate chip cookie expert. But the Chips Ahoy iteration have a special place in my heart. I ride for that blood red box of 7.2 grams of saturated fat. In fact, the only brand I “like” on Facebook is Chips Ahoy, which is the one true barometer of interest, if there’s ever been one.
Let me tell you another thing: I don’t fuck with Oreos. I’m a traditionalist. A cookie is a chocolate chip cookie. All other iterations are wafers. Sugar cookies are practically crackers. In fact, the world needs to set some rules when it comes to how we talk about cookies. I’m sick of being burned by people offering me a cookie and handing me a peanut butter cookie. Get all the way the fuck out of here forever. There needs to be a rule. All cookies are assumed to be chocolate chip unless otherwise specified. It’s fine if you want to bless me with a confection, but don’t start throwing the word cookie around and getting my hopes up when it’s just a bunch of sugar sprinkled on top of cooked dough. If it’s not chocolate chip, please, for the love of god, specify. When you say “cookie” everyone pictures chocolate chip. When’s the last time you saw Cookie Monster eating a Somoa?
But back to Oreos. I respect the chocolate, but you’re doing it all wrong. Creme? This isn’t a Starbucks. Do people even drink milk with Oreos? I think people drink off-brand Powerade with Oreos. Oreos are the cookies of sticky little kids. Kids who don’t have a refined enough taste to understand chocolate chip and most likely play right field in little league. Oreos are the official snack of stomach aches and having to leave a friends house early because you feel you’re about to die everywhere.
This all just to say that I am completely devastated that the people at Nabisco have fucked the entire game up, combining the sweet innocence of my Chewy Chocolate Chip with the dark evil Oreo “créme”. This is akin to the Hatfields offering the McCoys room, board and an HBOGo password. I’ve been living my whole life in a binary, viewing Oreos as the mortal enemy. The black to my white. The Gunner Stahl to my Charlie Conway. And then one day on Twitter I see my Chewy Chocolate Chip babies are just accepting Oreos into OUR recipe like this is some kind of Epic Meal Time bullshit?
It’s been some time since I’ve been a regular consumer of Chips Ahoy’s Chewy Chocolate Chip cookie. They will always be a part of me, and I, them. I will wait for this gruesome taste experiment to end, because at the end of the day this is just a fad just like Oreos were a fad. A fad that refused to die. Chocolate chip cookies, on the other hand, they are timeless. They are now, they are are forever.