potato salad

We’ve all heard about “Potato Salad kid” – a project on kickstarter that got 465778% of its money raised for one man’s potato salad, and growing.  Sure, Zachary Danger Brown (not a kid) made a really dumb Kickstarter. Since you seem to love throwing cash at any cause you find funny for five minutes, I’ve compiled an investment portfolio that may interest you.

A painting of potato salad

painting of potato salad

Zach Danger Brown can’t be the only troll who gets love. All potato trolls deserve love.

Bubba’s Matrimony Guacamole

guac

Why stop at potato salad?  Here’s another food-related cause just begging to be funded.  Bubba and Olive (those are people’s names) are asking for money to make guacamole, the sole factor preventing them from getting married. This couple is dependent on your judgement. “Just Bubba trying to tie the knot with Olive.”  Think of the impact you can make in real people’s lives! Your money will ensure ever-lasting love. Your money will buy ever-lasting love. Support family farms?  Fuck that.  Matrimony guacamole all the way.

 Bat Boy: The Musical

bat boy the musical

I know most of you may have forgotten the sensation that was Bat Boy, a half bat half boy creature that was discovered in a cave. Back in 1992, the tabloid Weekly World news shared the miracle but alas, Bat Boy’s fame was obscured by time. Until now.

The Santa Cruz Performing Arts Theatre company is asking for your donations to produce Bat Boy: The Musical, possibly the worst (greatest?) work of our generation. The show has been off-Broadway, and now you can put in the wrong (right?) hands. Bat Boy must live! I think I smell a Tony.

Kegglestarter

fitbit

Although it’s already funded, KGoal Smart Kegel Trainer needs to be mentioned. Sure, this may be legitimate cause. But for the internet community, who never grew out of middle school humor, this is a great opportunity to make a joke. You might even cause a sex-organ-health revolution.  I believe Tenacious D predicted this back in 2001.