As the career of Yankee great Derek Jeter enters its final weeks, we got to thinking about the alleged post-coital gift basket that Derek gives to women who have spent the night at his Trump Tower pad. Today, in a lengthy New York Magazine profile, Derek denied the three-year rumor, calling it “absurd.” While we are saddened to learn that the dream of waking up next to the greatest middle infielder in Yankee history and receiving a gift basket full of DJ swag may not be real, that didn’t stop us from thinking about what would be in our own Derek Jeter-style gift baskets.
It’s a tough question. What do give someone the morning after? You want to be helpful, but also showcase some personality. We made a few assumptions before diving in: You like this person, and you want to see them again. You are as sexually active as Derek Jeter, and therefore your gift basket must be full of items that can be mass produced. While you have Derek Jeter’s budget, you also have Derek Jeter’s humility; so nothing too flashy.
- One of the many snapbacks I purchased in bulk at a garage sale 2 summers ago – I have a lot of these but they’re all unique and seem more personal than they probably actually are
- A small package of Yerba Mate Tea with a traditional gourd and commemorative metal straw– Here’s where I’d make some joke about needing energy after being up all night but to be honest I really value my sleep… I give away the mate because it’s novel and makes me seem worldly.
- One hand drawn sad cat– I’m really good at drawing sad cats. They’re kind of like an autograph…
- The commemorative party-favor t-shirt from my Bar Mitzvah
- A copy of the movie “I Love You Man” (because leaving a gift basket is less awkward than calling you Jobin)
- Almost expired food that I keep buying, telling myself that this time I’ll eat it all before it goes bad. You’re welcome. (It’s all placed in one of the thousands of grocery store plastic bags I keep holding on to because I could someday maybe need them)
- A mixed CD of deeply romantic love songs featuring Drake and Taylor Swift to let him know I understand, totally, it was a one night stand, no big deal, I’m mature.
- A list of my social media accounts to make stalking easier. Especially: an audio clip of how to pronounce my name, my Snapchat to let him know I’m not just “2 AM pretty,” my Twitter so he knows I’m clever but hyperbolic, my eBook of Gone Girl to prepare him for the kind of marriage we’re doomed to have, and my Netflix account so he can see what kind of TV shows I’m into and also to let him know I’m down to share it.
- Homemade chocolate chip cookies I bought the night before at a Safeway because I’m sweet and #basic like that.
- Signed with a winky face.
- A love note, written in cryptogram, so he knows I’m more than just a pretty face.
- A Jonas Brothers concert t-shirt from 2009. I have a box of them in my apartment. One of them is signed and the lucky dude who gets it will marry me.
- These two things will sit in my basket atop a bed of warm French fries. Because after a one night stand, it’s polite to offer breakfast.
- An IV drip. The “Party Girl Drip” is the newest trend in hangover cures, and all the rage amongst Instagram celebs. (Why are we making IV drips gendered?) It comes in at about $190-$250 but if you’re anything like me, you don’t put a price on curing a hangover.
- Chips Ahoy Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies. I’ve consumed upwards of 5,000 of these in my lifetime. I know there are better cookies out there, but currently there is no consumer good that better defines me.
- Contact lens case/solution. Having contacts informs every decision I make. Want to go to a movie? Nope, sorry I have contacts and my eyes would start watering midway through the first preview. Want to go to a dimly-lit bar? No, sorry friend, I have silicone in my eyes that prevents me from doing that. So on the off-chance that you have contacts, don’t worry I gotchu.
- A pack of Stride Sour Patch Gum. For ridding the taste of that awkward sober morning kiss, but also because you get the immediate taste bud rush of Sour Patch Kids, sugar free!
- A DVD copy of the 1983 film Local Hero, because she probably hasn’t seen it and it may be my favorite movie ever, and was essential in the formation of my sense of humor. Also to make the subconscious connection between me and the word “hero.”
- A bundle of fresh lavender. So that even if she’s confused why the hell I would give her a pack of gum and a movie she’s never heard of, it all smells wonderful.
- Still going with a glow stick. Seems appropriate for a gift basket. And easily mass produced.
- A polaroid of myself that I took that morning. Just to remember my lovely face.
- Small water bottle (buying in bulk at Costco)
- A fully charged backup battery phone case since their phone is most likely dead by this point. In my one night stand dream world I’m extremely wealthy and have a hook up for receiving mass quantities of Mophie phone cases, maybe from a previous one night stand.
- A sailor hat. For that enigmatic double meaning–does this mean we should hop on deck or jump ship?–and also because, if college taught me anything, it’s that guys really dig sailor hats.
- A bottle of cheap champagne, with a Sunny D taped to it, to represent my firm belief that the best mornings begin with a mimosa…or five. And this way, he can take it on the go!
- A Moleskin notebook, to write down all those feelings regarding the night before. This will either make him look more or less like a total douche as he strolls down the street at 10 a.m. chugging Andre while wearing a sailor hat, I’m not totally sure.
- A matchbook with my detective name on it. This is the name you get by combining the name of your first pet with the street you grew up on. Mine is Sylvester Colt.
- The Big Lebowski on VHS with a check for $0.63 taped to the front of it that reads “for milk” on the memo line.
- A ziploc bag full of celery sticks for the walk/ride home.