Ladies, the man bun fad is fully upon us, and it’s got us swooning, mooning, and spooning man buns across the nation. Men everywhere are rocking a syle us females know all too well. And for some reason that I don’t venture to dissect, we find it attractive. But don’t be fooled; not all man buns are created equally. I’ve put together a handy guide to help you navigate the quick-sprouting forest of man buns, and come out the other side aware and enlightened. Here’s the breakdown:
The Peacock is very proud of his man bun. It sits at the tiptop of his head as a testament to his lifestyle, one that is surely full of yoga classes or capoeira or citar. He’s always wearing weird pants. The Peacock is super hot, but once you get to know him, he’s actually got a pretty awful personality, so beware of his charms — they do not run deep.
The Preemie is THAT guy. He hops in on your inside jokes when he’s blatantly unwelcome, and still calls shotgun on the way to the car. His hair is not long enough to sport the man bun, and yet he wrestles it into a little nub at the back of his head anyway. He will insist that his man bun serves some practical purpose when it’s painfully clear that this is not true. His man bun is often seen accompanied by a headband — a sign of weakness. The Preemie feels validated that a similar style is sported by Leonardo Dicaprio, but the fact that he likens himself to Leonardo Dicaprio is yet another strike against him. Steer clear of the Preemie.
The Beckham thinks that he can have it all, and therefore doesn’t feel the need to decide between a long and short hairstyle. This could be an indication of his entitlement in other areas of his life, so proceed with caution. The Beckham feels his appearance is a priority, otherwise he wouldn’t tackle a hairstyle that combines the time and attention of long hair with the upkeep of a buzz cut. This could be tiresome if you’re a generally low-key person, or it could offer a much needed camaraderie that you’ve lacked in past relationships. You two could totally, like, get ready together.
This guy is all business. The Utilitarian’s hair is long and wild, therefore it must be put into a bun. And that’s really all there is to it. The man sporting the Utilitarian is pragmatic and uncomplicated. He’s also unarguably “manly” in the traditional sense of the word, and can probably chop wood and kill spiders and lift heavy things for you. He looks great in flannel. I want one, I mean…what?
This guy doesn’t care about the appearance of his man bun. He’s not doing it for the man bun attention. It’s likely that he’s been rocking the style a little longer than it’s been en vogue, and therefore you can assume that he is a genuine person who knows where his priorities lie. The catch-22 of dating a man bun is that his appeal is a style that is meant to appear effortless, but can overpower as man’s single, all-engrossing quality. This is not true for the Flop. The Flop is multifaceted, and more than that, he’s happy to let you shine. If you’re willing to sacrifice a prettier man bun for one with a better personality, this guy is for you.
The Artisan is quite a sight to behold. The most rare and beautiful of all man buns, the Artisan has mastered his craft, and sports a bun that puts many women’s hairstyles to shame. He has a full and shiny mane untouched by years of styling tools, and to add insult to injury, he works your bad-hair-day default so well that he’s actually a sex symbol for it. If you pursue the Artisan, be prepared to live in his shadow. Even the brightest light pales in comparison when standing beside the sun.
Now that you’ve read the guide, keep it close by. A good man bun can be blinding, and like Bob Dylan (terrible man bun potential) says, “you can’t be wise and in love at the same time.” Just keep what you’ve learned today in mind, and make smart decisions. Go forth.