If you’re my mom or if you don’t know what cuffing season is, cuffing season is that time of the year when it gets cold and 20-somethings don’t want to be single. It is a one night stand that lasts throughout the winter months. Cuffing season benefits those who are into hook-up culture. If you’re one of those people, this article is not for you. (Please keep reading, though; I need the page views.) But if you’re a nerd who’s afraid of catching STDs or feelings for someone who won’t be around by March, cuffing season is definitely not for you.
We’re well into the middle of cuffing season so I thought it would be freakin’ neat to share how I’ve successfully avoided the temptation to get a fall/winter boyfriend. You could use the following tips to avoid the latter half of Get-A-Girlfriend-Before-Valentine’s-Day Season:
Remind yourself that cuffing season is the absolute worst
It’s worse than having ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. It’s worse than Katy Perry. If you’re a person who thinks of relationships analytically, it’s good to remember that a relationship with an expiration date is a lot of work with very little payoff. These pseudo-relationships where you’re only together with someone you sometimes-like is pointless. When it starts getting a little bit warmer, they’ll start getting a little bit more distant. You’ll end up putting a lot of time and energy and money into a person whose last name you won’t remember in a few months. Is that really want you want? No, it isn’t.
Reflect on the benefits of being single
Sure, “good morning” texts are great because it means someone is thoughtful enough to think about you and wish you a pleasant morning. But you know what else is great? Being the first and only person you consider right when you wake up. It’s great to eat breakfast without the obligation to check how another human is doing. It’s so nice not fighting about why in the world my ex would text me to see how I’m doing lately. I have no idea why he would text me, okay?!
Ignore people’s flirty advances
When someone blows kisses at you between October and February, they don’t mean it. When the cashier at J. Crew tells you that you look really pretty, he’s probably just bored. If the receptionist at Kaiser flirts with you, resist the urge to imagine your future together. Try not to smile too much. Avoid saying anything that can be misconstrued as flirty. Don’t use the heart eyes emoji, the winky face emoji, or the kissy face emoji. Just don’t play with fire, you know?
Hang out with your friends
Your friends are your best source for literally anything. Your friends can distract you from the loneliness of not having a bae. You can do almost everything with your friends that you could do with a boyfriend without the obligation of Christmas/birthday/Valentine’s Day presents. Friends can get drunk with you. Friends can help you forget about the very real possibility that one day you’ll be old and wrinkly and frankly not as hot with no one to hang out with. Friends can accompany you to Friday Night Date Night and they won’t even expect you to pay for the entire meal! Friends are the best.
Immerse yourself in funtivities (fun activities)
Start using words like “funtivities!” Create a scrapbook! Tweet a lot! Read sad books like The Kite Runner! Tackle your New Year’s resolutions and resolve to actually do something productive this year! Get drunk! Write articles and hope people read them!
Avoid the Valentine’s Day section at Target
It’s easy to spot because they put all the decorations up right after Christmas and everything is pink and red and heart-shaped.
Lastly, be smug (but not in a petty or jealous or mean way)
Specifically, about happy couples posting on Instagram that their partner loves them every day of the year — not just Valentine’s Day. If you’re a pretentious cynical Redditor, quickly point out that Valentine’s Day is a holiday created by a capitalist society. (And Hallmark, but that’s not as biting.)
Fun, right? Who knew avoiding this imaginary season would require so much mental work? I mean, I get the appeal of cuffing season. It’s freezing out and everyone wants to stay indoors and it’s nice to have a partner in life, but you’ve got to fight the urge to consciously couple up with people who don’t really like you all that much. It’s not worth it, y’all. People who give into cuffing season just for something to do are looking at relationships with rose-tinted glasses. They aren’t all fun and games and kissing. And breaking up is always sad. You deserve more, you know? I’m only saying this because we’re friends and I care about you. Cuffing season is overrated and we should all just have friendly platonic dinner instead!