As the resident Katy Perry expert (apologist?) at Thelma, I’m tasking myself with predicting what songs KP will perform this Sunday when the world collectively gathers around their Super Bowl halftime livestream to gaze upon The One With the Blue Hair.
Actually, I don’t know if she’ll have blue hair. No one knows. Which is why you can bet on it over on Bovada.lv. I’ve got Purple at 500+. But the real fun is in trying to figure out what 7 to 8 from her young, yet illustrious career Katy will choose. Bovada, at one point, allowed you to bet on which song will be played first, but unfortunately for Katycats like myself, there’s no way to wager on all the songs she will play regardless of where they appear in her set.
As a thought experiment (sure!) I’ve categorized the numerous worthy options The One Formerly Known As Katy Hudson may perform this sunday. To reiterate, this isn’t my Katy Perry song wish list, but rather, what I believe she will gift to the world during the Pepsi Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show presented by Pepsi.
Here’s a Spotify playlist so you can listen while I speculate.
I’m really not the biggest Roar fan, but at this moment in time, it’s probably Katy’s most popular song. Its message is one of of empowerment through primal noise creation, which is, after all, everything the football is about.
Yes, Firework starts off a little slow. But it’s a worthy crescendo leading up to the moment in which Pepsi/NFL/University of Phoenix Stadium/Monsanto sets off its firework show that costs more money than all your forefathers’ lifetime salaries combined. There’s a good chance she plays this last.
Teenage Dream is Katy at her most Katy Perry. Or should we say Katy Hudson? That’s her real name, but she had to change it because Kate Hudson was already famous, which is perhaps the best White People Problem. Teenage Dream is about a boy, but we will all pretend for a moment that her teenage dream was to perform on the biggest stage like the heroes of my dad’s youth: Bruce Springsteen, The Who and The Rolling Stones.
I’d be surprised if we didn’t at least get a good 30 seconds of Dark Horse. The melody is a turn from her other songs which can start to sound the sa— what I’m saying is that it’s a good transition piece, but I highly doubt America is ready for Juicy J on primetime. Unrelated, but who is Juicy J’s manager? Because whoever it is needs a round of applause.
“This is How We Do”
The problem with This Is How We Do is that it’s glory is really only in its chorus. The second verse an almost attempt at rapping, which is why I think we won’t hear more than a minute of this song. If you’re wondering whether we will get a RiFF RAFF remix, I can tell you that “nope,” which is why America is no longer a world leader.
“Part Of Me”
The message of Part of Me is just too positive in a non-descript way to leave out of a performance that knows no true target audience. The real question is whether we get to the much beloved bridge in which Katy states “Now look at me I’m sparkling, a firework a dancing flame, you will never put me out again—I’m glowing, ohOooohooOOO,” because that’s my favorite part.
I put Birthday in this category because I don’t want to jinx it. I think there’s a good chance, but if you know me you know Birthday is my favorite song of 2014, and the only song on my workout playlist. My actual birthday was a few weeks ago and the song accompanied me everywhere. For many, the Super Bowl is like a second birthday, but Katy takes you one further, offering to “make it like your birthday everyday” by “give[ing] you something to celebrate.” I do fear that the specific celebratory nature of the song may be the reason it’s left out of her performance, but that doesn’t mean we cannot pray on it.
“Last Friday Night (TGIF)”
Last Friday Night opens with “There’s a stranger in my bed,” and continues on to document the debauchery that happened Last Friday Night (which, umm sounds like it was last night — this song should be called Yesterday was Friday, not its two other titles) which includes binge drinking, poor financial planning and an inability to hold a job. These are all reason why Katy Perry is a star, but I do fear this one is a bit too PG-13 for a post-Janet nipple world.
This game is taking place in Arizona, unfortunately. If this were in San Diego she’d open with it.
“Hot n’ Cold”
It’s crazy how long ago Hot n’ Cold came out. It was my first Katy Perry song, so it will always hold a place in my heart, but we’ve moved on to bigger and better things, haven’t we Katy?
“I Kissed A Girl”
Oh, the memories.
“Waking up in Vegas”
Like Last Friday Night, this one is too scandalous for primetime. Vegas is not that far from Phoenix but still.
“Shake It Off”
Just imagine it. Katy finishes Part of Me, a song that’s a big middle fingers to all the haters. And then you hear it: the snare drum. “Wait, is this? Can’t be.”
“I stay out too late”
/crowd realizes what’s happening
“Got nothing in my brain”
A little blonde dot appears at the middle of the screen. From beneath the stage Taylor ascends upward on a platform into the air shaking her hips as Katy nods in triumph below.
As the chorus approaches, Taylor arrives back down at stage level and is Katy helps her off of the platform.
They finish the song together and embrace, squashing all previous beefs. The Seahawks win 35 to 24.