February 14th, 2015 will mark my first Valentine’s Day as a single woman since 2011, so it’s safe to say I’ve been a little preoccupied with the alien feeling of being unattached. While trying to act cooler than I feel has more or less been my M.O. since the age of thirteen, I’ve been acutely aware of its importance as of late, and so I’ve given a lot of thought to the kind of single person I am and what I aspire to be. I’ve broken down my findings for my fellow singlings because misery loves company, and what are you all doing Saturday?
Here’s the master list:
The Beyoncé Single
Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat. Beyoncé is an asshole. She released Single Ladies six months after she got married and watched a bunch of girls who had been burned flail around while she honeymoon-phased on a pile of diamonds. (This is how I imagine her whenever she’s not on live TV — just sitting on pile of diamonds.) She is a false idol to single women everywhere. If she wasn’t such a liar, the lyrics would be, “All the single ladies, put your hands up and hail a cab, because I’m going to have a nice quiet evening with the love of my life, and you don’t have to go home but you can’t. Stay. Here.”
And somehow this song still manages to be the war cry of single women everywhere, so the Beyoncé Single is pretty easy to spot. She throws singles’ parties on Valentine’s day because she’s proud to be independent and defiant, and although I don’t know any Beyoncé Singles very well, I know deep in my heart that they will blast their anthem every single single day of their lives until they’re engaged and they can finally write their “He put a ring on it!” status on Facebook.
The Drake Single
The Drake Single is a woeful beast who pines, and pines openly. Their Facebook statuses make you roll your eyes. Their subtweets make you run to their Facebook page for clues. You find yourself daydreaming about what it’s like to talk to them in real life, and then praying you never have to find out. But they make for damn good Internet stalking when you’re alone on Valentine’s Day. The other singles thrive off the Drake Single because the Drake Single is unabashed in expressing their feelings. Feelings all the other singles are refusing to acknowledge.
The Mother Goose Single
The Mother Goose Single pours all of her energy into making Valentine’s Day the most special day for everyone she knows in order to avoid feeling her feelings. Her brownies and homemade cards are made with love, yes, but it’s a desperate, frantic, misplaced love that’s got an aftertaste of bitterness. She crafts like a maniac and spends her free time (she’s got a lot of it) on Pinterest, purposefully scrolling past the chocolate chip cookie for one recipe and focusing her energy on being totally fine. I may or may not fall into this category. (Do you like your card? Do you love it? Do you love me?)
The OMG CHOCOLATE Single
I’m convinced that there’s a little bit of OMG CHOCOLATE single in all of us. This type of single may or may not be an emotional mess, but they are an opportunist when it comes to cheap pharmacy Valentine’s Day gifts and the comfort they provide.
The Chill Single
These kinds of people don’t actually exist. Some people are better at pretending than others, but whoever is a Chill Single on the outside is an OMG CHOCOLATE Single on the inside. That’s just the way it is. If you’re sitting on the other side of this computer screen scoffing at me because you’re a Chill Single, open a bag of Hershey Kisses and give yourself ten minutes.
The No-Fucks Single
Take a moment to appreciate that the title of this category can be taken either literally or figuratively. Good? Good.
The No-Fucks Single will express their myriad feelings as they are felt in real time without pretending to be concerned with how they appear to others. If they want to cry, they cry. If they want to drink, they drink. If they want to dance, they dance. They are the most raw and honest of all singles, and my research reflects that about 80% of reality TV stars fall into the No-Fucks Single category.*
The I’ll-Be-Damned-If-I’m Single
This is a wily bunch who are cuffing season gamers and who view Valentine’s Day as their Super Bowl. As uncomfortable as these people make me, I have such admiration for their tenacity that I view them with a kind of fearful awe, like how I view whales or lunar eclipses.
A word of caution: these singles have victims, so it’s important to understand that February hook-ups come with a set of expectations that March hook-ups do not. Plan accordingly.
As a final thought, I’d like to point out that I have the deepest reverence for all singles, and if I were the type to throw a party, you’d be invited, regardless of which category you fall under. We singles need to stick together so we don’t find ourselves surrounded by happily coupled assholes.