The SNL 40th anniversary special was Sunday night and it was a reminder that if you take all of the most entertaining people on the planet and put them in one building, you have a puncher’s chance of making a few hours of good television.
Of all the iconic SNL characters and performers who graced the stage, however, none arrived with the enigmatic pizazz of the best character in human history, Turd Ferguson. Sean Connery’s bathroom humor is legendary in its own right, but Celebrity Jeopardy’s moment of sketch immortality was carved when Norm Macdonald’s Burt Reynolds stood at the podium and demanded to be called Turd Ferguson because “it’s a funny name.”
It was only the sixth time that Turd appeared on Celebrity Jeopardy when he re-emerged from the fog on Sunday. And that means since his inception in 1999, he’s more or less had free reign to move about the world with no obligations except the occasional drop-in to exasperate Trebek. Which begs the question, what the hell has Turd Ferguson been up to in his spare time?
I hired the most available freelance journalist to do some research for me, and while Turd covers his tracks pretty well, Brian Williams was able to confirm a few known sightings outside of Studio 8H.
Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 1999-Present
The only habit of repetition that Turd seems to have, he has worked as a wardrobe assistant at every Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show since 1999. He can usually be seen offering to help the models quickly change outfits, because time is of the essence and he’s great with dresses. Just ask him.
“I’m the best at their getting clothes off” – Turd Ferguson, Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, 2003
A Concert for Hurricane Relief, New York City 2005
Turd got a job working craft service for the Concert for Hurricane relief benefitting Hurricane Katrina. He took this job seriously because there was a disaster happening in New Orleans. Turd knew this was a time where he should just keep his mouth shut and bake the spanakopita. But when he pulled them out of the oven, the smell was mesmerizing. Kanye West, pissed off, hungry, and brilliant, wandered over.
“What is this?” he asked.
“Spanakopita. It’s a Greek thing. Real good,” replied Turd.
“Why’d you make this when I’ve never heard of it?” asked Kanye.
“Not sure. I don’t think too much,” said Turd. “The president is racist. That’s a funny thought.”
Kanye took his spanakopita and left.
Turd got a job as top adviser to Michele Bachmann’s presidential campaign because he was broke and the only required skill on the Craigslist post was “passion.” Most of the time, Bachmann would run ideas past him, and Turd would say, “Yeah. That sounds good.”
NBA Finals Game 6, June 2012, Miami Florida
Turd was on hand in 2012 to watch his favorite basketball team, LeBron James’ Miami Heat, take on the Spurs in the NBA Finals. The Spurs were one win away from the title and the Heat needed a win to stay alive. With 28 seconds remaining and the Spurs ahead by four, Turd knew the outcome.
“Game’s over,” said Turd. “But it’s still happy hour at this place I know.”
And so he left to get a margarita, and hundreds of fans followed him out of the arena. The Heat came back to win what LeBron would call the best game he’d ever been a part of. Turd ended the night sharing a cigarette with a Cuban guy he would never see again.
August 2014, Ferguson, Missouri
What, you thought he was going to miss the chance to protest against a bunch of turds who run Ferguson?