I learned a lot in my first DMR – for example, don’t get wasted and see your movie at 8 PM on the Saturday of opening weekend, unless your end goal is bothering literally dozens of people who don’t deserve it. I took that learning and decided to take a day off of work, get drunk first thing in the morning, and drag my mom to go see Fifty Shades of Grey with me at noon.
…But she said no. So the only other natural option was my college roommate Jess, who has a long and storied history of getting drunk too early in the day and doing dumb things with me.
After an omelet, a bloody mary and a half, and two Jamesons, neat, we walked into the theatre (acting totally normal) and hunkered down to witness some cinematic brilliance.
The previews alone were an emotional roller coaster. Hold on to your hats for a film called Aloha, which stars everyone I have ever loved, including, but not limited to: Bill Murray, Emma Stone, John Krasinski, Alec Baldwin, Bradley Cooper, and Rachel McAdams. I couldn’t tell you the premise of the film, but Bradley Cooper and Rachel McAdams star as ex lovers, which, according to my notes, led me to believe it was basically Wedding Crashers Part Two. After visiting IMDb, I have a feeling I was a little off, but whatever.
Then came a preview that looked so fucking stupid, I wrote, “NICK SPARKS CAN EAT A DICK” in all caps. Literally, all I wrote. I’m comin’ up empty on that one.
And finally, after what felt like…I don’t know, drunk me has no concept of time…the grand event began. We kicked it off with a couple pulls of Fireball. Here it goes…
Drunk Movie Review: Fifty Shades of Grey
This movie is about two assholes who have zero fun.
The story starts with Don Johnson’s kid. She looks like she just woke up from a nap like, all the time, but I think that’s the point. Still, super hot muscular guys throw themselves at her, but she doesn’t notice, because like, that’s her thing. Don’t forget, that’s Don Johnson’s kid.
Her name is Anastasia Steele, and it seems to me that if your given name is Anastasia Steele, you’re gonna get wrapped up in a BDSM love affair. You just are. I don’t know how she didn’t see this coming. I guess she was too busy chewing pencils alluringly.
She meets Christian Grey, who looks like he likes to watch people nap. But then he breaks into her house and upgrades her Internet which is the only part of the movie that made me swoon, so guys, if you’re going to take any cues from this movie THAT IS THE ONE. He’s a total control freak, which again, I’m pretty sure is the point, but this annoys me to no end. I kept putting myself in her shoes and my notes got REAL sassy.
DJohn’s Kid admits that she’s a virgin and Grey’s like, “Oh no prob,” and just deflowers her right there, no questions asked, like she asked him to open a jar of pickles or something. What the fuck is that about?
And from there the director made extra sure that there was no character development, but that if I started a boob count (which I did) I would lose track (which I did).
We do hit a point during the movie where they’re racing down a wooded Pacific Northwestern highway in an expensive car, and that may have been a little bit like character development, but as I watched the screen through my empty bottle of Fireball, I’m pretty sure I forgot that I wasn’t watching Twilight, and my point is this movie is basically Twilight, you just substitute vampirism with sexual paraphilia.
Aside from the garbage storyline, ridiculous acting, and the fact that the script has more heavy breathing in it than it does words, I have one glaring issue with the movie, and that is that Don Johnson’s kid owns a flip phone. Um hi, are you Cher Horowitz? Welcome to 2015, stop chewing on pencils and get an iPhone.
Look, I’m a woman just like any other. The Fireball in my veins bleeds red. I understand the appeal of a filthy rich, devastatingly handsome, and mysterious man who seems to be hiding something, but I would rather that something be a charming Irish accent and not a room full of sex toys that look like they’d be used by butchers and old-timey elephant trainers.
I was pleasantly surprised by the soundtrack, and also that Rita Ora is inexplicably in the movie. Or maybe they explained it, I don’t know. I’m not sure what she was doing there, but it was thrilling not to stare at people who take themselves way too seriously, even for a second. It broke up the monotony, like when you run into a friend at Target. Rita Ora is the Topher-Grace-is-in-Interstellar of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Stand out moment of the film was afterward when I destroyed a plate of loaded waffle fries.