Last season, House of Cards taught us about the Vice Presidency, but the third season has endeavored to teach us what kind of person it takes to be the president. With the general election coming up next year, the rich white men of this country really have to start thinking about whether or not they want to campaign. Luckily, President Frank Underwood has offered them numerous lessons about the character of a successful (or, in his case, unsuccessful) president. Here are just a few:
“You have to be a little human when you’re the president.”
Sorry Jeb, you’re out. Americans like it when their presidents have the ability to empathize and I’m not quite sure the Bush family has that gene in them. This is bad news for Jeb but it should also be great advice for anyone else in the Bush family who is considering political office. It’s just not for you, you know? Consider becoming the manager of a frozen yogurt shop!
“It’s important the president has some fun, doesn’t take himself too seriously.”
The fictional president of Russia, Viktor Petrov, said this line and immediately I thought of Joe Biden. I love Joe Biden. He seems incredibly harmless; he exudes sweet grandpa vibes. And look at that picture! Cute! Happy! Hilarious. Joe Biden 2016! If I learned anything from House of Cards, it’s that the White House and other surrounding areas where the president might hang out are extremely dark. No one ever turns their lights on! This could be difficult for Joe, whose bright and cheery personality most likely requires natural sunlight to maintain. But I think the United States as a whole will be in a better mood once we elect Joe as our next prez.
“It’s good to have dreams, just as long as they’re not fantasies.”
This quote really sobered me up, re: my dreams of Barack in 2016. I know that as a country we’ve limited the terms of presidencies to two, but maybe we could make an exception for Barry? I know a lot of us are tired of him but have you heard him he speak? It’s super calming. He’s a skilled orator and he always sounds like he knows what he’s talking about. I like the way he pronounces words and we all know that that’s important when choosing our presidents. Great cadence, great rhythm, great everything.
“Don’t do no good calling a man out like that. It’s like…blaming a snake for having fangs.”
In the third season, Frank Underwood announced his proposed plan, America Works, in order to, uh, get Americans work. However, Donald Trump’s catchphrase is “You’re fired!” which doesn’t really instill hope in Americans hoping for more jobs. Plus he looks so grumpy in every picture I’ve ever seen of him. If we already know the kind of man Donald Trump is, then why would we ever consider him for office? Especially when Joe is his exact opposite.
“We can tally up all our mistakes, but we are where we are. I need to concentrate on what’s in front of me right now.”
So come back, Mitt. 2008 was a mistake. 2012 was a hilarious mistake. But we need to concentrate on what’s in front of us: 2016. Have you guys seen Mitt? It’s really funny. If you want to get to know the man and his family, that’s the Netflix documentary for you. I know Mitt announced that he is not seeking the presidency next year, but I desperately need a documentary titled, Mitt: The Third Time’s the Charm because, well, the third time is the charm.
“He knows exactly what he wants, but he needs to be wooed. You can’t turn a no into a yes without a maybe in between.”
Mitt? Are you listening to me?
“It’s such a pity how ruthless pragmatism gets weighed down by family values.”
For reasons unknown to me, I’ve never been able to stay mad at Bill. Look at that face! Listen, everyone makes mistakes, okay? (Mitt knows.) Everyone lies a little bit in their lives. But we’ve got to look past that. It truly is a pity that some things can be weighed down by family values. It’s 2015 — almost 2016. America needs to lighten up. Bill can do this. People like him. Hillary’s gonna run everything anyway, so why not let old Bill feel like he continues to matter?
“I’m never gonna win if I have to spend my time explaining myself to my subordinates.”
I’ve been gunning for Hillary since 2008. Hillary does not fuck around. She doesn’t have time to explain to Bill — or anyone — why she does anything. So she used a private email. So what? She doesn’t have to justify her actions because she’s too busy trying to be the first female president. It’s about time. I’m ready. Hillary’s ready. I’m tired of everyone else. Hillary isn’t as heartless as a lot of other candidates but I know she’s capable of anything. I believe in her that much.
“I’ve killed a man with my bare hands…Sometimes we must be ruthless with those who hate us. And sometimes we must be ruthless with those we love.”
If this quote is any indication of the kind of person we need in office, it’s clear to me that Frank is the only man for the job. He can kill easily and without a second thought. He’s willing to stab backs and go back on his promises. He’s willing to fire his wife and manipulate her without feeling guilty about it. Frank’s got experience, too. He’s a bad person but maybe we need someone with his kind of blind work ethic. I know Frank will do whatever it takes to remain president and I know he can do it. In addition to his skills and character, Frank is so ruthless that if he notices me talking shit about him, he might have me killed. Frank 2016, final answer.