Zoolander 2 At The Paris Fashion Week

Zoolander 2 is officially happening. In the 15 years between the two films, a lot has happened in the world of fashion, especially on the men’s side of things with the rise of fast fashion and celebrity-backed, high end clothing lines. This year there will even be a standalone Men’s Fashion Week in New York. With the current state of men’s fashion in such a different place than ten years ago, one question stands out: but why male models? Sorry, rather: what is Zoolander 2 going to be about? Complex has put together a list of what we do know about the sequel, including the detail that Derek and Hansel are now “washed-up” has-beens, but beyond that we are left to speculate, which is what I plan to do here with some potential plot lines:

1) Derek creates a thirst trap Instagram profile lifting pictures from a younger, more attractive guy he meets while visiting a New Jersey coal convention. Eventually he is found out by Mugatu who has used facial recognition technology to catalogue the bone structure of everyone’s face on the planet.

2) Hansel befriends a Terry Richardson-like character who promises to jumpstart his career with a provocative full page spread. Later, Derek uncovers the dark dealings in the darkroom.

3) Derek and Hansel are asked to walk the runway for the new Rick Owens collection, which features full frontal nudity. The two speculate on the meaning of fashion, objectification, and body politics. Hilarity ensues.

4) Hansel fights the Hemsworth brothers at once, wins.

5) Derek is offered to be the face of Zara but doesn’t want his image to be associated with lowly fast fashion.

6) For the full two hours, Hansel describes Normcore to Derek.

7) To get files off his old Mac, Hansel takes it to an attendant at the Genius bar, who then smashes the computer on the ground.

8) Hansel becomes Kanye’s muse and starts dating Kendall Jenner.

9) Mugatu, now a prominent street photographer, refuses to capture Derek and Hansel despite their ongoing attempts to loiter in SoHo.

10) Hansel recaptures fame by using the longest selfie stick in the world while traveling through America’s southwest.

See you on February 12, 2016.