Game of Thrones is a cool show. It’s a fine show. I watch it. You probably do too. Did you ever wonder what would happen if you tried to match Game of Thrones characters with other relevant content? I wonder this all the time. But instead of just picking one of the many exciting Spring goings-on, we’ve just gone ahead and matched Game of Thrones characters with their corresponding relevant Springtime event.
Baseball – Davos Seaworth
Baseball is the weathered old sea captain grappling with the newfound, ideologies of the modern world. Davos Seaworth is trustworthy, loyal, and learning how to read. Like Baseball, he is trying to help Stannis speed up the pace of play.
Bruce Jenner Interview – Grey Worm
A slave for far too long, Grey Worm is now free, but that doesn’t stop him from being loyal to the cause. Despite his position as leader of the unsullied, he still answers to Khalessi, who rules with an iron fist. Bruce’s interview with Diane Sawyer, presumably coming out as a transgender female, will confuse a great many who incorrectly equate masculinity with the phallus.
Mad Men – Tyrion Lannister
Mad Men is a show in which sad, witty people get drunk in the day time. Tyrion is not unlike Don in his love for troubled women and creative solutions. Like Tyrion, Mad Men does not get enough of the credit it deserves for being the best show on television.
Nice Weather – Sansa Stark
Everyone loves talking about the beauty of Sansa Stark, which is cool, but it gets old so quickly. Like yeah, its nice out, but is it that nice out? Sansa is beautiful, but she is super dull otherwise. It’s supposed to rain this weekend and Sansa is always crying.
Veep – Margaery Tyrell
Margaery doesn’t get enough credit for how well she plays the game. She’s both calculating and innocent. Veep is one of the funniest shows on TV, and features President Selina just at the precipice of total power, if it weren’t for those dumb men mucking everything up.
Silicon Valley – Podrick
Podrick is nerdy, well-intentioned, and has a huge penis. Silicon Valley shares these values.
Bloodline – Daario Naharis
Bloodline is a very good looking show filled with long-haired tan people, but ultimately it is a waste of time. Daario Naharis is the dude who is sleeping with Daenerys and told her fighting to the death is cool.
Coachella – Cersei Lannister
Doesn’t everyone love to hate Coachella? Cersei gets day drunk and wears braids and sandals.
Hillary Clinton – Varys
Varys has forever served as the wise counsel to those in power, and now he wants to take a bigger role in stabilizing the realm. As Hillary embarks on her long journey to the White House, her strength comes from her lack of a penis.
NHL Playoffs – Littlefinger
The NHL playoffs are long and full of pain, not unlike the moon door Littlefinger now controls. While Littlefinger always seems to be doing some dirty work behind the scenes, the NHL playoffs will feature a lot of dirty work on live television.
NBA Playoffs – Jaime Lannister
The Kingslayer, you know like trying to dethrone Lebron James? Get it? Maybe someone will get their hand cut off? At least injure a wrist?
California Drought – Ramsay Snow
Ramsay Snow, can you not? The California drought is a major bummer anytime I’m reminded of it, which is like whenever I take a sip of water. Ramsay just wants to be recognized by his father as a legitimate son, while the California drought just wants to remind people that global warming is real.
Marco Rubio – Stannis Baratheon
An arrogant ruler set to prove to the world he is the one true leader with the help of a weird spiritual woman. A dogmatic Florida Senator who believes his plan of trickle-down economics will bring peace to the land.
A surprise Kanye album – Melisandre
Similar to a surprise Kanye album, Melisandre is unpredictable and wild. Draped in october red, and spewing all kinds of craziness whenever she has the chance, she is oddly captivating. A surprise Kanye album, titled So Help Me God, suggests there is only one true God, as Melisandre has been saying throughout. Stannis is Kim.
Trap Queen by Fetty Wap – Daenerys
Daenerys doesn’t want to just rule Essos, she wants to be queen of the entire realm, including the trap. Trap Queen is going to be the song of summer and everyone is going to talk about it, similar to the way everyone talks about Daenerys when Game of Thrones is brought up.
Drake – Stannis Baratheon
King of the North, super corny, follows a red spirit woman down a dangerous rabbit hole for love.
Working on that Summer Beach Bod – Theon Greyjoy
Say what you will about the systematic torture and personality restructuring of Theon, but you look good, bb.
Denim Jackets – Arya Stark
Arya is by far the coolest Stark. Denim jackets are like the ultimate cool hack. Just put on a denim jacket and you’re basically Arya Stark minus sword. Consider ordering a katana sword online if you want wear a costume of a sword-wielding movie or tv character.
Apple Watch – Jon Snow
Apple Watches are sexy on paper, but pretty dull in practice.
