It was the burrito order heard around the world.
A chicken bowl with guacamole. That’s what Hillary Clinton ordered in a Maumee, Ohio Chipotle restaurant, just days after announcing she would be running for president in the 2016 election via a video that declared “Everyday Americans need a champion, and I want to be that champion.”
The 2016 presidential election is more than 500 days away, but the nation’s potential commander-in-chiefs are already answering our most pressing questions to prove they deserve to be the next ruler of the free world.
Did Hillary leave a tip at Chipotle? She didn’t. Does Marco Rubio like Chipotle? He does, especially the quesadillas, but he “always tips!” (A spokesman later confirmed he did not in fact tip on this last Chipotle trip because he was late for the train, or something).
Wait, what about Jeb Bush? Oh, he doesn’t even need Chipotle! He cooks his own Mexican food at home—with his Mexican-born wife. Maybe Hillary can afford $2 for some guacamole, but Jeb can make his own!
And by the way, Ted Cruz’s favorite show is The Simpsons!
If we have learned anything from #ChipotleGate, it’s that you can tell a lot by a candidate based on issues like the food they order. Or the television they watch. Or their favorite Instagram filter. You can basically tell just how well they’re going to preside over this great nation, right? Why should we know our candidates’ stances on immigration, climate change and Iran when we learn so much more by finding out if they prefer Beyonce to Solange?
So let’s take a look at some of the most important questions that will arise in the next year and help us decide just whose box to tick come November 2016
You Know What McDonald’s Smells Like? America.
During a panel on immigration reform, a reporter asks Ted Cruz how his stance on deportation differs from other presidential candidates.
“Let me tell you something about America,” the Texas senator begins. “McDonald’s is America, it’s as American as apple pie made in America. Those other guys, Hillary, Jeb, Marco, walking around with their fancy $7 burritos—they don’t care about you. They don’t care about America, and America’s homegrown businesses—”
At this point Senator Cruz does not hear a reporter’s comment that Chipotle was once actually owned by McDonald’s, because he is asking his advisor how many more times he should say “America.”
Sen. Cruz: “Let them have their brown rice and their extra salsa on the side. All I want for dinner is a nice, juicy, American, Big Mac.”
Days later, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who is doing well in the polls although he has not officially declared his campaign, is asked the same question.
Gov. Walker: “When you asked Senator Cruz this question, he likened himself to a Big Mac. That, I believe, is an apt metaphor. You see, Cruz is up there in Washington with the rest of them. In their fancy Congress with their fancy D.C. mansion. You know who else started in Washington? O-BAMA.”
“But I’m here in Wisconsin, on the ground, with my own people. I don’t think I’m a Big Mac. I’m not a Washington Daddi-o or a fancy burrito bowl. I’m just like you. I’m a flat cheeseburger from the dollar menu, I don’t even have lettuce or tomatoes. Just ketchup, pickles, and cheese. That’s America. Did I mention I also bought this sweater for a dollar at a Kohl’s discount store?”
Mr. Waka Flocka Flame: McDonald’s, Chipotle, I eat it all. Hey man, I don’t discriminate. That’s what America is all about.
Does the Lo-Fi Filter Make Me Look Patriotic Enough?
It’s debate season and a moderator has asked some of the potential presidential candidates how they plan to reconnect with those pesky youth.
Clinton: “You know, young people—they’re always five steps ahead of us. I don’t know if you know this already, but my first grandchild, Charlotte, was recently born. It was Charlotte who really inspired me to get in the game again, to speed up and make this world a better place for the little ones who will eventually inherit it…”
She pauses the debate so we can see a blown-up photo of a smiling baby girl on a projector screen.
Clinton: “Now there’s only one thing Charlotte loves more than her Grandpa Bill—and that’s me. But, she also loves Instagram.”
The screen is now showing a slideshow of various photos of Hillary and Charlotte on Instagram.
Clinton: “And she, like the young people of today, and like I would as your president—your first female president—can see the world in so many different ways, and in so many different colors, thanks to these filte—”
“You know,” Jeb Bush interrupts. “My newborn grandson Jack, he also loves Instagram filters.”
The slideshow switches to photos of Jeb with a smiling baby boy.
Bush (the other one): “You know who doesn’t understand Instagram filters? My brother. But, as you know, I am nothing like my brother. I don’t like to paint, I don’t like colorfully patterned socks…”
But this election isn’t about him, my brother. It’s about me—I mean, it’s about our youth. Young people like Jack, my adorable newborn grandson Jack, who loves playing with those fun little filters.
He especially loves Valencia. There’s just something about that sun-drenched, sepia tone that reminds him of his roots. As you know, his grandmother was born in Mexi—”
Suddenly, Republican Kentucky senator Rand Paul interrupts.
Sen. Paul: “Do you see, ladies and gentlemen, how disconnected from reality a nation ruled by another Clinton or Bush would be? As for me, I come filter-free. Just ask the guy I hired to take my selfies.”
Solange is the Knowles of the People
On a late night talk show to display her “fun side,” Hillary calls herself the Beyonce of politics…this sets off a media firestorm that forces the Republican presidential candidates to answer one of this century’s greatest debates.
Bush (the other one): “You know who else really likes Beyonce? My brother. It’s just one of our many, many, many differences. I am much more of a Solange fan myself, to be honest. My wife loves to dance around the house to her music. I guess you could say it reminds her of her native home, did you know she was from…”
Sen. Rubio (after he hears that Jeb has picked Solange): “As you know, me and Jeb may share this great state of Florida, but we do not share anything else. Seriously, nothing else. At all. Nada. Nothing like him. I am a card-carrying member of Team Beyonce, thank you very much. I especially love that one song of hers, about the umbrellas.”
Sen. Cruz: “You know what Beyonce rhymes with? Benghazi.”
How Many Licks to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?
It’s 2016 and the major broadcast networks are tired with how terrible the ratings are for the presidential debates. To hike up viewer interest, they decide to stage an entire debate around questions posed by children.
This was one of them.
Clinton: “People are afraid that as a female president, I won’t be afraid to strike when our nation is in peril. Well I have no problem striking. I don’t lick that Tootsie Pop—I bite it.”
Cue every late night host making the same joke.
John Kasich, Republican Governor of Ohio: “As you know, I did not know it was my time to run for president until my great lord and savior told me so. I waited and I waited until one day He told me, “John, you’re ready.” And so I would approach the tootsie roll in the same way. Licking it, and licking it, and licking it and licking it, knowing that only He can guide me to its center.”
Sen. Cruz: “I really think that’s a question that should be left up to the states to decide. The American states. Filled with the American people.”
Mr. Flame: Are these special tootsie pops?
Vice President Joe Biden: “I’m not much of a fan of lollipops actually. Can we talk about ice cream instead?