Now that Hollywood has done and redone all of the main superheroes in the DC/Marvel pantheon ad nauseum, it’s moving on to the B team. Our upcoming summers will be full of the Black Panther and Infinity Wars and Inhumans, because Hollywood has nonstop superhero summer blockbuster action lined up through 2019. So how will the US and the world have changed in the almost five years between now and The Avengers: Infinity War – Part 2? Let’s take a look:
Captain America: Civil War (May 2016)
While Tony Stark and Captain America duke it out on the big screen, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush trade pleasantries and barely concealed insults while simultaneously trying to appeal to the American people who they know nothing about because they are very, very wealthy. Very wealthy. Like Tony Stark.
Just six months later, Doctor Strange is supposed to hit theaters. The film will allegedly star Benedict Cumberbatch, though nothing has been confirmed yet. Bill Clinton has gone on most of the Late Night shows to stump for his wife at this point, who seems to have a slight edge over the stodgier Bush. The iPhone 7 has just been released, but most Americans are not due for an upgrade for another six months. They become despondent as they watch their old iPhones become sadder and more obsolete by the day.
Guardians of the Galaxy (May 2017)
A year after Captain America: Civil War, the Guardians of the Galaxy motley crew will once again steal all of our hearts. Especially Chris Pratt. President Beyoncé Knowles has introduced a comprehensive immigration reform bill to Congress, which is expected to pass by a thin margin. She is currently working on legislation to create mandated paternity leave, which the First Gentleman has publicly supported. (President Beyoncé did not actually campaign in 2016, she was elected as a write-in candidate after the general public realized that she would turn 35 in September of 2016.)
Thor: Ragnarok (November 2017)
In July of 2017, we will once again be blessed with Tom Hiddleston as Loki in Thor: Ragnarok. Europe and North America are experiencing record-breaking heat waves, California’s drought has caused LA to look like the set of Mad Max, and there are two polar bears left in Antarctica. Bill O’Reilly continues to warn the public that global warming is actually just a form of mass psychosis.
Avengers: Infinity War – Part 1 (May 2018)
Hollywood still will not be able to resist the urge to give everything a sequel. Tesla has also released the first “flying” car, which President Knowles uses to to get from DC to her condo in New York. (The White House is nice and all, but you can’t actually expect Beyoncé to live in DC.)
Black Panther (July 2018)
Following the May-July-November release date pattern, Black Panther is expected to come out in July 2018. The secret country of Wakanda turns out to not be a fictional country created by Stan Lee, and it declares independence from Somalia. Though it is a small country, it is the world’s only source of vibranium, which (like unobtainium), is highly valuable. Wakanda uses its new exposure to attempt to stabilize the political chaos in the region.
Captain Marvel (November 2018)
Our first female lead will appear in November 2018 as Captain Marvel. Captain Marvel is not actually played by a woman, but a roboticized female form, because Hollywood did not think that an actual human woman would be able to carry an action franchise. Jay Z discovers that his stock in the Wakandian vibranium mines is being threatened, as ISIS has declared a jihad on all of Wakanda because it refused to impose sharia law. He urges the President to investigate the situation.
Avengers: Infinity War – Part 2 (May 2019)
Negotiations with ISIS for the release of the Wakandian vibranium mines have failed. President Beyoncé campaigns for military action against ISIS, which Congress is ultimately supportive of; it is seen as a distraction from the worsening climate-change-related domestic weather disasters.
Inhumans (July 2019)
The mysterious Inhumans debut will coincide with a much more deadly debut: a tornadoricane (tornado hurricane) hits Florida, so Miami is forcibly evacuated and subsequently destroyed. Thankfully Pitbull survives the cataclysm, and writes a ballad about his love for the lost city. It tops the charts for four months before being supplanted by Kanye’s “THE TORNADORICANE IS A METAPHOR.” Thus ends Marvel’s reign over the box office. It’s time to retire, hang up the capes, hammers, and shields and move on to different projects. They’re all getting to old for this shit.
But wait! America will need a hero. There will be dark times ahead. And where else can we turn?
Marvel’s superheroes will be back. They always have been and always will be. Having supernatural powers just pays too well.