This past Monday, President Obama bust through the doors with his own personal Twitter account, stating that “they” finally let him have one after six long years. There’s some speculation as to what has been holding the President back all this time, but here at Thelma, we’re well connected and very important, and we’ve obtained the transcripts to Obama’s first official Twitter kick-off meeting. The conversation between him and his Senior Communications Advisor offers some insight into why it took them so long to allow Obama to join the masses. Check it out:
Hello, Twitter! It's Barack. Really! Six years in, they're finally giving me my own account.
— President Obama (@POTUS) May 18, 2015
Senior Communications Advisor: Alright Mr. President, great kick-off tweet. It’s fun, it’s personal; you’re just a regular guy! But what we really need is a strategy moving forward. What would you like to accomplish with this personal Twitter feed?
Barack Obama: PUTIN MEMES.
SCA: …Okay, well, we’re going to have to take a more diplomatic approach out the gate, I’m afraid.
BO: Of course, you’re right. All my best meme work is on my Tumblr anyway.
SCA: I’m sorry, what?
BO: Nothing. First thing’s first. How do I follow Beyoncé?
SCA: Um, well, I think we should cultivate a more politically focused following before we-
BO: Dave, who run the world?
SCA: Mr. President, I know you-
BO: WHO. RUN. THE. WORLD.
SCA: Girls, Mr. President.
BO: That’s right, which reminds me, I’m blocking that Meninist feed right now.
— Meninist (@MeninistTweet) May 18, 2015
SCA: …Okay, sure. That’s not a bad idea. It’s a direct, yet understated example of your positioning. Let’s start reaching out. Why don’t you begin with a shout out to the First Lady? Americans love your rapport.
BO: Great idea!
SCA: Sir, it is not advisable that you tweet the lyrics to Cam’ron’s 2002 hit “Hey Ma” to your wife.
BO: Come on! You let me post whatever I want on Myspace.
SCA: Yes, well, we’re dealing with some higher stakes here.
BO: Can I have a little fun? Can I subtweet Biden?
SCA: *shrugs* Sure.
BO: Great! How’s this?
SCA: Um, Sir, let’s draft that one, and I’ll schedule a brief on subtweeting for this afternoon.
— Bill Clinton (@billclinton) May 18, 2015
BO: Oh look! Bill tweeted to me! Can I answer him? Please!?
SCA: Sure, Mr. President.
BO: YASSSSS. This will make Joe jealous too. Two birds with one tweet. … Hah! Birds! Tweet! HASHTAG DAD JOKE AM I RIGHT!?
SCA: Okay, Okay, here’s something we can work on… What about commentary on the issues that young people are facing today. The rising cost of higher education?
BO: Yeah okay. Or, Zayn.
SCA: I’m sorry?
BO: Zayn. He’s trending.
SCA: *blank stare*
BO: I’m a cool dad.
SCA: You know, on second thought, this might not be the smartest move.
BO: Dave, so help me God, if you take this away from me, you’ll be kicked right out of my Myspace Top 8. Is that what you want?
BO: Is it Dave?
SCA: No Mr. President.
BO: Good, now teach me how to slide into Merkel’s DMs.