My first DMR (Drunk Movie Review, of course) happened because I was too afraid of outer space to see Interstellar sober. My second one happened because Fifty Shades of Grey is fucking stupid. Jurassic World had the potential to be both stupid and scary, and so here we are. Also, I’m getting really good at excuses.

Normally I like to talk about which previews I’m drunkcited about, but this time around they all had to do with war and dying animals, and being confronted with the fleeting nature of life is a buzzkill, so we’re going to get right to it. Welcome to two hours of me trying to spell pterodactyl, drunk, in the dark.

Drunk Movie Review: Jurassic World

This movie is about Chris Pratt’s bromance with a bunch of raptors.

Whoever made this movie must’ve known I’d be drunk because they made sure I could learn everything about these characters based on their appearance and hugely overt context clues so that there wouldn’t have to be any important dialogue or complicated emotional development.

Hey, Bryce Dallas Howard. It’s a good thing you have a blunt bob, so we know that you’re a very serious business woman who doesn’t understand the inherent delicacy of even the largest creatures. Thanks for wearing all white so I have a good visual gauge of how terrible a day you’re having, even if I fall asleep at some point during this movie.

Hey, Andy Dwyer. It’s a good thing you’re working on a motorcycle, so we know you run fast and loose and don’t adhere to the rules. Also, I haven’t seen your abs, but somehow I know you have them, maybe from the Guardians of the Galaxy trailer.

Hey, Nick Miller from New Girl and that dopey prison guard from Orange is the New Black, thanks for playing those same characters, except now you’re doing computers. You guys make sense.

Everyone shows up in Jurassic World, where they talk a lot about NOT talking about Jurassic Park. Khaleesi Pratt names his raptors so you know you’re gonna get hella attached to them (I know this because once I named my Halloween pumpkin Petey and I didn’t throw him away till New Years). After that, it’s like an hour and a half of people coming up with terrible ideas and then waiting for the right combination of dinosaurs to be in one place so they can kill each other instead of throngs of innocent tourists.

Pros

• Serious Chris Pratt is way funnier than funny Chris Pratt, kind of like how toddlers are funny when they sing Adele.
• The dudebro moments between Andy Dwyer and his raptors made me feel all warm and fuzzy, but maybe that was the 200 mL of Jameson and one kernel of popcorn I had for dinner.

Cons

• This movie should be called Jurassic Plot Holes. Why do they let children drive that hamster ball by themselves? Why does that 10-year-old have a camera from 1997? Why is there online computer communication literally everywhere, but no cell service? Why is their emergency plan to deploy like six people and then just run? Why didn’t BDH take her goddamn shoes off, is she trying to prove something? Does she think she’s better than me? SHE’S NOT.
• The most character development occurs in zero percent of the humans, but all four of the velociraptors.
• Watching Bryce Dallas Howard be 80% sweatier than everyone else so the sheen accentuates her bounding cleavage. As if she couldn’t get more annoying, we have to watch her perfectly rigid bob turn into a perfectly wavy bob so you can tell she’s learning how to be less of a control freak, because they’re not going to spend any real time on that kind of character development when they could just show her running through the mud in heels with zero consequences.

• The most realistic part of the movie is Jimmy Fallon narrating that dumb, negligent ride.

This time around I realized exactly how annoying I must be as a drunk, not because I’m loud, or dumb, or I can’t stop giggling, but because even in my whiskey stupor, I write notes like this:

(I have a brain; I’m almost like one of those dinosaurs that ~learns things.)

This movie’s Topher-Grace-is-in-Interstellar is Judy Greer. Fuck yeah, I love Judy Greer! Why am I surprised she’s in this movie? She’s in all movies. She is everywhere all the time. She’s omniscient. She is God. Judy ‘God’ Greer probably orchestrated the whole thing to teach lessons. About familial bonds and this generation’s desensitivity to violence and addiction to technology and man versus nature and walking a mile in someone else’s ill-advised fucking heels, and teamwork, and raising raptors. Man, I wish the last scene of the movie was Judy Greer serenely backlit, looking over her shoulder and winking.

Highlights include the McDonald’s drive thru that was at the other end of the movie theatre parking lot. Also Chris Pratt being like, “dudes,” and the raptors being like, “bro.”

Conclusion

Maybe worth the hangover if you’re too drunk to think; completely worth finding out just how many McDonald’s fries I can actually eat in one sitting. (Hint: More than you.)