big-sean-7

In the US, teen pregnancy is down and the reason may be Big Sean. According to Genius, the Detroit rapper’s discography contains a whopping 19 condom references, which would be a lot for a sex ed teacher. To find out what the deal is with noted sex-haver, Big Sean’s obsession with the contraceptive, I examined each reference in detail.

Song: “All Me”

Line: “I’m the type to have a bulletproof condom, and still gotta pull out”

Gross or silly: Silly

Sean’s take on condoms: He needs the best one, and even then his sperm is too potent to trust bulletproof kevlar. It’s simply not worth taking that chance.

Song: “B Boy”

Line: “Yeah, and she tryna fuck me raw, unprotect, but if I don’t have that rubber on it I feel under dressed”

Gross or Silly: Silly

Sean’s take on condoms: Women are trying to have my child, which is why I must treat condoms as if they were another part of my wardrobe, albeit a protective part. Like a helmet.

Song: “All Night”

Line: “From a place that’s so unprotected. Need more than a condom”

Gross or Silly: Dumb

Sean’s take on condoms: Condoms are important because they protect me from diseases and unwanted pregnancy which can happen when I have sex. But here’s the catch, they don’t protect from the dangerous neighborhood in which I grew up. Funny how life works out like that.

Song: “Beware”

Line: “How the fuck you run around with condoms?”

Gross or Silly: Self-reflective

Sean’s take on condoms: My girl knows I am in ownership of condoms, which would suggest that I intend to have sex with girls who are not her. I probably shouldn’t have bought those condoms. Love is complicated.

Song: “Crazy”

Line: “Pokin’ holes off in the condoms tryna have a baby ass”

Gross or Silly: Self-important

Sean’s take on condoms: Bitches is crazy. They will go to great lengths to have my child.

Song: “Freestyle on Funkmaster Flex”

Line: “Bad bitch; condom tastin, 4/5 compilation, never give em conversation”

Gross or Silly: Gross

Sean’s take on condoms: Girls give me oral sex while I have a condom on sometimes.

Song: “High Rise”

Line: “All my money counted, all my rubbers skintight”

Gross or Silly: Gross

Sean’s take on condoms: I have a big penis, and thus, my condoms fit snug. Also, the rubber bands I use to organize my money are nearing a breaking point.

Song: “Looking for Trouble”

Line: “I leave females in my sheets, and all my feelings in a rubber”

Gross or Silly: Both

Sean’s take on condoms: I have trouble communicating with women because the only feelings I have are sexual ones, and they are currently deposited in a condom in the form of ejaculate.

Song: “Mona Lisa”

Line: “I believe in God and rubbers”

Gross or Silly: Silly

Sean’s take on condoms: I don’t think you guys comprehend how important condoms are to me. As a sexually active person who wants to continue being sexually active with multiple women, condoms are as important to me as a the Judeo-Christian God. Condoms and God, those are the big two, and there’s a big drop off after that. I recognize the irony that many Christian faiths do not condone the use of contraceptive, but those who practice monogamy do not have the same active sex life as I do, and for that I apologize.

Song: “Mula Remix”

Line: “Condom on ‘fo I go to work, that’s my uniform”

Gross or Silly: Really silly

Sean’s take on condoms: I have so much sexual intercourse, it’s like its my job. And like any job, there’s a certain dress code that must be upheld by all employees.

Song: My Closet

Line: “I’ll fuck your bitch with a Louis Vuitton condom”

Gross or Silly: So silly

Sean’s take on condoms: Not only will I have sex with your girlfriend, I will do so with an unnecessarily lavish condom made by a luxury brand that doesn’t make condoms.

Song: Nothing Is Stopping You

Line: Thank God Almighty condoms were invented

Gross or Silly: C’mon man

Sean’s take on condoms: Condoms are so crucial to my life, they could’ve only been the creation of an almighty deity, for whom I must thank.

Song: Platinum and Wood

Line: What happened to those days? I really do wonder/ when all I did was safe sex, latex, the first time I slipped up, wished I had a homemade AIDS test /fuck, but I ain’t flunk once

Gross or Silly: Stupid

Sean’s take on condoms: Life was much simpler back when I wasn’t having so much sex. Nowadays it’s not as easy to always remember to wear a condom. There was this one time I forgot and was T R I P P I N G about it, because surely any time you have sex without a condom you get AIDS. But, me? Nope, I’ve never contracted the AIDS virus. How about that?

Song: Quickie Remix

Line: I’m rubbered up because your bitch raining

Gross or Silly: Gross

Sean’s take on condoms: I’m having sex with your girl and must wear a condom while I do because she is very sexually aroused. These things are related, I swear.

Song: Racks Remix

Line: I take em to the crib and leave our future in a condom

Gross or Silly: Mostly silly, also gross

Sean’s take on condoms: Girl we could’ve really been something if I didn’t insist we use a condom to ensure we are not legally bound to one another in any way. Nice.

Song: Slight Work

Line: The only thing between me and your bitch is a latex

Gross or Silly: Super gross

Sean’s take on condoms: You may think you are what’s stopping me from being one with your girl, but in fact, the only barrier between us is this sliver of latex.

Song: Story to Tell

Line: But when I reached for that magnum/ Shit, that’s when she got mad and/ Said, “Sean I wanna feel you like I used to baby and not this plastic” I said /”Bitch it ain’t like how it had been I don’t know where you had been, /I won’t end up like Magic /I promised Mama I would never end up like Magic.

Gross or Silly: Embarrassing

Sean’s take on condoms: Ex-girlfriends would prefer we have sex without a condom as it feels better, however because we are no longer in a monogamous relationship, I must assume that you have the AIDS virus.

Song: Till I Die

Line: Still rockin Louis Vuitton cause I’m so fuckin in style

Gross or Silly: Silly

Sean’s take on condoms: I dont just have sex, I have sex with an imagined designer condom because I’m very brand-loyal.

Song: The One

Line: I’m double X L n*gga: magazine and condom size

Gross or Silly: Gross

Sean’s take on condoms: My penis is size XXL. I swear.

 

 

What have we learned? Big Sean has had sex.