In October of 2013, The Jonas Brothers (the unit) broke up and became the Jonas brothers (the individual humans) and millions of girls around the world went into a tailspin (not me though, I handled things just fine). Since then, they’ve embarked on new and exciting projects, and Kevin does stuff too. With the limiting stigma of “boy band” no longer following them around, the JoBros are flirting with the opportunity for mass appeal. Being both a Jonas Brothers superfan and a completely level headed human being with only sensible priorities, I’ve decided to help you choose which Jonas is worth your time and attention, so you can be paired with the Jonas that’s right for you:
If you value focus, attention to detail, and shirtless selfies, Nick is the Jonas for you. Nick doesn’t smile; he’s like the Posh Spice of the Jonas Brothers. But he does literally everything else: broadway, film, television, and music curation for Miss America because, sure, why not.
Nick also likes to let loose, but in a calculated, stoic way, where his steely gaze says, “Don’t forget, I’m the sexy one,” but the cigar he’s sure to include in every selfie says, “but look how much fun I’m having.”
Nick has a bunch of singles out that are all about sex and other sexy stuff so that you never forget how sexy he is.
Joe, the “Just Date Models and Do Instagram for a While Until It’s Time to Release a Bomb-Ass Single” Jonas:
While Nick likes to keep us abreast of his eternal rotation of important projects, Joe just likes to dance and share weird shit on Instagram.
Or that’s what we all thought, until earlier this week when he began teasing his new project DNCE before their first single debuted on New York’s Z100 Monday evening. Titled “Cake by the Ocean,” the song manages to feel like the combination of dancing and weird shit on Instagram, and comes across as very genuinely Joe Jonas.
While Nick’s singles have titles like “Jealous” and “Levels” and “Chains,” Joe explained that “Cake by the Ocean” was born from a Swedish producer’s inability to grasp the phrase “Sex on the Beach.” If you’re into the kind of fun that’s actually really fun, Joe is your Jonas.
Kevin, the “I Make a Bunch of Money Doing Stuff That’s Not Music” Jonas:
Uh, basically Kevin seems to be into business ventures and brand recognition and real estate, and a bunch of other businessy stuff that’s all about business. Kevin has a family and, like, plans I guess. If you’re reading this and you’re a dad who doesn’t like loud music or The Jonas Brothers, Kevin is your best bet.
Wasn’t it nice of the Jonas brothers to break up and destroy the hearts of females everywhere (but not me) and then scatter in three polar-opposite directions, so that there would be a Jonas answer for everyone? Now we can ALL be Jonas Brothers fans!
Good job, Jonas Brothers.