November 10th, 2019. Three years into the watershed administration of one Donald Trump, the iconic example of world democracy. Follow along, idiots.
Well, we did it America. After a year-and-a-half campaign characterized by grandstanding and name-calling, we elected Donald Trump as our 45th president. He damn near blew up the electorate, winning by an unprecedented and unanimous count of 538-0. And then he grabbed his solid gold lunch pail, combed his hair left, then right, then left again, and went to work.
It took four hours after his inauguration for his first decree to sweep through our lives. Every American city with a Spanish name shall go by Anglicized nomenclature. There’s now a Major League Baseball team called The Angels Angels of Anaheim. I left my heart in Saint Francis. Chaos.
One thing we have to concede to Trump is that he followed through on his campaign promises. Said he’d build a wall to separate us from Mexico, and build a wall he did. The Greatest Wall is the most ostentatious barrier you’ll ever not cross, as if Liberace and Floyd Mayweather were given license to spruce up the Great Wall of China. Every mile is marked by what the world once knew as a guard tower, but Trump calls them gaud towers. They’re really just the latest expansion of Trump Towers, rising high into the glorious American sky, each complete with machine guns, RPGs, a Chick-fil-A, and a Louis Vuitton outlet.
But Trump’s installments weren’t confined to the glitzy and tangible. What of his first legislative cannonball, Executive Order 1, the No Child Left In A Lower Tax Bracket Act? It’s a Selective Service adoption system, like a military draft, but for toddlers. Little Jimmy’s parents make less than $50,000 a year. Little Jimmy drew 1A. Congrats, kid! You’re on your way to Exeter. Life may start at conception, but a career starts after a summer internship at Goldman Sachs.
And what of women? Women were understandably wary of voting for a man whose sole criterion for a woman’s qualifications is the structure of her cheekbones. But Trump assuaged their worries. Remember his defining slogan, late in the campaign, when it appeared Hilary was starting to gain ground?
“Trump Loves Women So Much It Hurts.”
And he does! Trump loves women. He recalled every global ambassador, and each was replaced with a bikini-clad Instagram model. Said their abilities to self-market show the entrepreneurial spirit that makes his engine rev. He created a 51st state solely for NFL cheerleaders, complete with their own two representatives in the Senate. See how much he’s done for women?
Trump changed the robe on the Statue of Liberty because it didn’t exude the modern and salacious America he prefers. He put Lady Liberty in a Lycra one-piece that exposes a suggestive hint of nipple. Do not give us your tired, your hungry, and your poor. Give us your sexy, your rich, and your brilliant. Except Mexico. Don’t give us anybody, Mexico.
Speaking of foreign policy, how about his first trip to the G8 summit? He walked right up to Putin and challenged him to an arm wrestling contest. Then he did the same to Angela Merkel. Won them both, because Trump knows a win breeds power, and power breeds servitude. Wouldn’t even challenge David Cameron, just laughed at him about Cornwallis and Yorktown.
In just three short years, Trump has done what he said he would. He’s made America great again. So what if he’s completely undone the growth of the American job market and has us on the verge of war with even our staunchest allies? He’ll win those wars because Trump doesn’t lose. The next victory on the docket is his re-election, so giddy-up, cowboys. It’s time to make America great again, again.