[every rihanna interview] rihanna is just like everyone else but at the same time she’s not. written by–
— isaiah cs (@isaiahcs) October 12, 2015
A lot of really good writers from really good magazines have written cover stories about Rihanna, but after reading this piece, you will be left feeling like you know the real Rihanna. I know, that’s what every headline always reads: “Rihanna, Naked” or something fake-raw like that. But I will write things other writers haven’t thought about yet. This article is special.
First of all, Rihanna is just like everyone else; that’s what makes her most cool. She’s also nothing like anyone else. That’s also what makes her most cool. Only Rihanna could be “most” something twice over, because Rihanna breaks rules.
Believe it or not, she does whatever she wants. She smokes blunts on Instagram, and that’s not something you usually see pretty pop singers with diverse fans do. She also controls her own Instagram. Wow. And guess why – because her fans are insanely loyal and it’s not that hard to post your own pictures when they’ll get a million likes regardless. Rihanna enjoys posting pictures because she enjoys being herself. She was banned from Instagram following a string of revealing photos last year, but she didn’t care because she’s too amazing to look at for IG to have offended users by banning her permanently.
Everyone loves Rihanna’s body, believe it or not. Did you know that a big reason why we all love Rihanna’s body is because it’s completely natural, while so many of today’s overly-fetishized women have fake lips, asses, something? Yeah, not really seeing that analysis a lot.
Rihanna’s island gal accent is very hot. It’s also what separates her music from other big-name pop stars. No one really seems to get that: Rihanna’s songs sound unique because her accent mixed with her natural singing ability makes them sound unique. Hot take, maybe, but true.
Oh, and Rihanna enjoys sex. It’s still taboo for women to be vocal about liking sex as much as men, so that’s another thing that makes Rihanna interesting. If you haven’t realized it yet, Rihanna could be thought of as a progressive figure in modern feminist movements. She once recorded a hit song called “Cake,” which is largely about receiving (advanced) oral sex from a man, an act that usually comes up in rap songs by male artists. Rihanna doesn’t represent the sexist stereotype of the obedient, meek female.
At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Wow, I never thought about this stuff in this unique way. I never knew the real Rihanna until now, just the fluff written in magazines.” First of all, thank you. To buffer, I’d like to leave you with a final thought. I have never spoken to Rihanna, but this just came to me in a reverie, some sort of journalistic wisdom if you will:
Rihanna is intimidating to men because she’s beautiful, confident, intelligent, and powerful. She will not lower herself to accommodate the male gaze and is too busy working on an array of projects (including an upcoming album) to worry about some horny male drooling over her.
When you’re really the plug, that kind of shit can wait. Remember where you read it first.