Yesterday, the trailer for the upcoming season of Game of Thrones was released. Because it’s really fun to imagine GOT characters out of their medieval fantasy context, I decided to host a dinner party and invited some of my favorite inhabitants of the Known World. The following are snippets from said dinner party, drawn word-for-word from the trailer:

“They know I saved the city. They know I won the war.”

This is when Joffrey threw a tantrum while playing Legos before we all sat down to dinner. Joffrey, they don’t know anything because they’re plastic. Okay, so what, Sansa’s castle was bigger than yours. Take your seat at the kiddie table.

“The war’s not won.”

Jamie, sensing Joffrey was about to flip the table, put his son/nephew in his place. Translation: “Shut the fuck up, sit down, and eat your peas.”

Sidenote: Jamie was sporting a fresh new cut for back-to-school season. I wonder if it’ll be enough to get his old flame back!

“It’s tempting to see your enemies as evil. But there’s good and evil on both sides of every war ever fought.”

When I opened the door for Danaerys, I overheard Jorah pleading with her from behind, clutching a tupperware of cold mashed potatoes. Dude, she doesn’t want to hook up with you. Get over it.

“They have a choice. They can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one.”

Daenerys brought over pot roast and upon seeing Cersei poke it with her knife while making a disgusted face, whispered this to me. I laughed awkwardly and tried to change the subject to the Golden Globes.

“Things are a bit tense right now…I don’t think I’m talking my way out of this one.”

Tyrion shouted this from behind the locked bathroom door 30 minutes after eating Daeny’s pot roast.

“Given the opportunity, what do we do to the ones who have hurt the ones we love?”

Lord Baelish/Littlefinger posed this question thoughtfully to Varys, who responded matter-of-factly, “I’m a eunuch, can’t say I’m the best person to ask about this,” as he popped a cherry tomato into his mouth.

“I want to know which side you’re on!”

Littlefinger practically shouted this at Tyrion when he got back from the bathroom and couldn’t decide between sitting next to him or in the open seat on the other side of the table, next to Varys.

“Tell your father I’m here, and tell him the Lannisters aren’t the only ones who pay their debts.”

I have no idea who this guy is, but this is what he told me before shoving a green bean casserole into my arms and sprinting away into the night. The casserole was pretty average.

“You fight over him like beasts until you tear him apart. I will burn our house to the ground before I let that happen.”

I put Jamie and Cersei onto different teams for Pictionary after dinner and she made a huge fucking deal about it. She can be such a drama queen.

“There is only one hell. The one we live in now.”

This was a classic quote from Melisandre after Stannis showed up to the party four hours late hammered drunk, took his pants off, and waved his genitals in her face.

So good to have everyone together for one magical evening!