Back in February, I wrote about Matthew McConaughey’s recent string of good decisions, and the article ended with speculation on whether or not his latest project, Interstellar, would continue the trend. The movie has finally been released, and naturally, I longed to sate my curiosity. There was one hiccup. I am deeply afraid of outer space. If you’re a friend of mine or haven’t blocked me on social media yet, you know this.

The only obvious and clearly brilliant solution? Get blitzed first.

And so came mastering the art of controlled inebriation. I needed to be just drunk enough to ease my nerves, but not so drunk that I stopped giving a shit about the movie altogether. Full disclosure, I failed miserably. HOWEVER, I had the foresight to take some notes during the film to help me out just in case this happened. And help they did.

For you to better understand my state of mind walking into this highly complex and intricately plotted film, I’ve included a transcription of my unedited notes during the previews:

Chappie: ROBOT BUNNY? What an idea.

Hunger Games: !!!!!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE COMPELLED TO VOTE.

The Hobbit: This movie is full of people who look like Santa in various stages of life.

Furious 7: WUT. DUMB.

At this point, several trailers aired that contained actors who starred in The Wire. My feeble mind exploded, and I got real embarrassing about it. And now that you know what you’re getting into, be warned that there will be spoilers. Drunk girls aren’t known for being quiet. Here we go:

Drunk Movie Review: Interstellar

This movie is about corn.

It takes place on a globally-warmed Earth, and everyone is a dusty farmer, including Matthew McConaughey and his kid, who is the forever-baby from Twilight. Everyone makes a point that they’re concerned about the corn and then Matt Mc drives off into the field of corn to chase an airplane and literally ruins like, hundreds of cornstalks. This is how you know he’s a real gunslinger and has an interest in aircraft.

Some shit happens when forever-baby thinks the dust is talking to her, and McConaughDad agrees that, yeah, probably it is (dad-of-the-year award, AMIRITE?). Then they accidently run into Secret NASA’s fence in the middle of the night. Secret NASA has been secretly sending people to space to secretly fix the Earth-is-too-dusty problem. They think the fact that a farmer who thinks the dust talks to him and gets caught in a fence is the perfect candidate to save the world. This all seems a little ridiculous, and from here on out, my notes are peppered with the words “SO DUMB,” in all caps.

He becomes an astronaut in like two minutes flat. Everyone continues to get old and Matthew McConaughey stays the same, which I find supremely annoying because, like, he would.

Isn’t Anne Hathaway supposed to be in this?

This is the point where my notes disintegrate into a log of how sleepy, confused, and anxious I am. The movie skips large chunks of time in order, I presume, to not be six hours long…or maybe it’s the whiskey.

Then, SURPRISE! Matt Damon shows up! At first he has the total We Bought A Zoo vibe, like he’s just here to help, but then out of the blue he Lion Kings McConaughey right off a frozen cliff. When did things get frozen? I don’t know. Matt Mc is resilient though, and he lives, and then things happen and he’s in outer space again.

Stand out performance by Topher Grace, whose comedic presence is nice lift from all the serious conversations in the movie. His job is to yell about the corn. About how it’s there, and then it’s on fire, and then it’s no longer on fire. Totally hilarious.

Where is Anne Hathaway?

The only party terrifying enough to permeate my drunken stupor was when our golden boy gets sucked into a wormhole. It’s an endless abyss that you can only assume will go on forever. As my chin starts to wobble, he lands in a library and I am instantly at ease. This earns the film major points, as I tend to give space movies benign and somewhat silly endings as a coping mechanism…

After Eric Foreman is done with his corn updates, things happen and somehow McConaughey saves the world without knowing it. He wakes up on a new Earth shaped like a toilet paper roll and SPOILER ALERT they have corn.

Apparently Anne Hathaway is in this movie, but I didn’t notice her even once, except for ten seconds at the very end when she’s staring off into the distance purposefully, inhabiting a desert that is probably Mars or Nevada or something. She’s real sneaky, so keep an eye out.

Overall the film was really, um, dusty. Also corny, but in the way that there’s literally corn everywhere. The highlight of the film is afterward, when we went to Denny’s and I destroyed a plate of nachos.

Conclusion: Worth the hangover.