With the latest Chad Johnson news yesterday revealing that he’s been sentenced to 30 days in jail for slapping his lawyer’s ass in court, it’s as good a time as any to take a look at the loud off-field news #85 has provided us over his storied career. Here are some of the most hilarious stories you’ll ever read about a public figure:
Bengals Johnson Sends Browns Message and a Bottle: Chad sent four Browns defensive backs a note and a bottle of Pepto Bismol in advance of their game against each other in 2004. Some took the gag better than others. “I sent all the Browns DBs some Pepto Bismol, to cure them of their sickness,” he said. “They’re going to get tired of covering me.”
Real thoughtful, Chad.
Chad Johnson Sued for Bogus Raffle: Basically, here’s what went down: Chad offered up a Lexus he had received as a gift from a Florida dealership to be a prize in a Cincinnati comedy club raffle. When no one won the car, a peeved raffle ticket buyer sued the comedy club and ol’ Chad got dragged into it. Where’d the car go? He “changed his mind and gave it to a female friend.”
He Actually Did It: Bye, Chad Johnson. Hello, Chad Ocho Cinco: Honestly, I don’t think enough attention was given to the face that Ochocinco literally means “Eight Five,” not “eighty five.” A fact which easily made the whole situation even better.
Ochocinco no more: Chad Johnson Changes his name back: To spare the ridicule his new bride would receive with a name like “Evelyn Ochocinco.” More on that marriage later.
T.J. Houshmandzadeh: Chad Johnson is a “genuinely nice dude”: I don’t know exactly why this is so funny, but damn, it really is. Maybe it’s because T.J. Houshmandzadeh is a genuinely nice dude himself. Maybe it’s because his (original) last name is easily cooler than Ochocinco. Whatever it is, it’s serving as the thin layer between honesty and sarcasm.
Merry Christmas, Parts of a Chad Johnson Sex Tape Hit the Internet Today [NSFW]: “The fastest he’s looked since he was on the Bengals” is a horrible, cheap joke, but it’s appropriate. Come on Chad, you’re better than this.
Chad Johnson Shows a Homeless Man Named Porkchop a Good Time: This is by far the best. A homeless man asks Chad to buy him a beer, and what does he get in return? Several beers, cigarettes, clothes, a watch, and a night on the town that turns into a two day bender. Not a bad deal.
Of course, this doesn’t fully capture the outrageous antics of the enigma that is Chad Johnson/Ochocinco. He did have a very public domestic violence situation with his ex-wife, and of course provided NFL fans with over a decade of incredible on-field play and subsequent celebration (my personal favorite is the touchdown-receiver-turned-cameraman). The former isn’t even close to funny, though, and the on-field drama, though absurd, deserves an article of its own.
That he is one of the best receivers of era barely matters anymore, because these are the stories that are more interesting. This isn’t about football. It’s about celebrating the artist formerly known as Chad Ochocinco. Here’s to more hilarious headlines down the road.