Yo, yesterday was a crazy day of TV. At 10:56pm the Golden Globes gave out its final award, Best Picture, to 12 Years a Slave, a great movie that I haven’t seen yet because my family didn’t want to watch something so heavy during the holidays. Like the movie itself, I didn’t see this award. I still had four more minutes of the second episode of Girls to watch. Finally at 11pm the credits rolled and on Hannah Horvath, marking the end of an 11-hour TV marathon that went a little something like this:
10:34am – Wake up with a lingering headache and sore calves. The result of a birthday party at a bar that altered between frat jams and hip hop singles. As always, I’m hit with a wave of embarrassment that comes from rapping along with every word. But that’s what will happen when they play the entire Clipse verse from “Like I love You.”
12:00pm – The NFL pre-game shows start. This is pretty much a pick your poison scenario. I alter between FOX and ESPN. On FOX, you can basically throw away anything Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson have to say. Michael Strahan provides some insightful commentary and Howie Long seems to have retired early enough to still form meaningful sentences. Over on ESPN, Ray Lewis is wearing glasses so as to look less like a murderer and is telling me about the X factor on both sides of the ball. I’m eating brunch (everything bagel+pepperjack + fried egg + avocado) and pretty enthralled to watch Newton vs Kaepernick for the next four hours.
1:00pm – Okay so the game starts and it’s looking a lot like the 49ers last game, with the offense failing to convert red zone opportunities into touchdowns and falling behind by a point after Carolina scores for the first time. I’m explaining to my girlfriend how football works, but she cannot get past the fact that the offensive and defensive linemen are not as famous as the skilled position players. I tell her not to worry about that because they are all millionaires. Carolina gets called for an illegal formation penalty and she asks me to explain that, which of course, I cannot.
2:45pm – It’s halftime and I’m eating a turkey sandwich. The 49ers are up by a field goal, and it turns out the Panthers won’t score at all in the second half. Colin Kaepernick does Cam Newton’s signature (as much as reappropriating a trademarked comic book franchise image can be a signature) superman celebration because Colin Kaepernick, it’s becoming pretty obvious, is kind of a douchebag. Not that Cam Newton isn’t a douchebag —after all, he calls himself superman. But like, you’re winning the game already, now you’re just being a dick about it.
4:00pm – The 49ers win which is great because now I can spend my entire week reading, listening and watching people talk about a something I’m actually invested in. My girlfriend and I head to her place, but not before I find out that the coat I bought at the Gap the day before is actually a women’s coat. In hindsight, it makes a lot of sense. The shoulders were very narrow, and on me, the coat looked way too fashionable to be a Men’s Gap item. In my defense, however, it was on sale for $66.99 from $168.00 and I was blinded by the deal and the fact that it was in the men’s section.
5:30pm – At my girlfriends house we’re flipping between the Chargers/Broncos and the E! coverage of the Golden Globes red carpet. There’s a bolo tie joke in here somewhere. Peyton Manning is doing Peyton things which includes being in this awful Papa John’s commercial.
This commercial is such a waste of Peyton’s talents. Here you go and sign one of the country’s foremost spokesperson to be in your commercials, and instead of letting Peyton flex his comedic prowess you have him act the part of the bashful sidekick. Papa John Schnatter, you continue to ruin America.
6:00pm – I’ve pretty much lost control of the remote. E’s coverage of the Golden Globe’s red carpet is fascinating if you don’t take it too seriously, which is what the people who work at E! are basically trying to do. I care about celebrities in so much as they make stuff I happen to enjoy. E! is dedicated to the idea of celebrity, which in turn, makes every celebrity Ryan Seacrest or Guiliana Rancic are interviewing out to sound very self-important. Seacrest and the like “absolutely adore” people like Jennifer Lawrence and Elizabeth Moss for being so down-to-earth, when all they are doing is trying to peel through the layers of bullshit that E! has put in place.
I was introduced to the Mani-Cam, which if you don’t know, is a mini red carpet camera to show off your manicure. Elizabeth Moss came in and went all punk-rock flipping off the Mani-Cam. This came as a huge shock to Guliana Rancic, but I’m not really sure why because it’s a camera for your hands, and that’s literally the first thing I thought someone would do.
7:00pm – The Broncos/Chargers game is pretty boring so we’re sticking with E! I’m practicing tweets on my girlfriend and her mom and they are not amused. After spending all weekend with me watching football, I should keep my mouth shut. I’ll take my jokes straight to twitter, from now on.
8:00pm – Everyone loves Tina and Amy. The Clooney joke at 5:00 is why we tune in.
Straight up though the Golden Globes don’t mean anything, I’m not really sure why we watched. Something that bothers me is that Aaron Paul really likes saying “Yeah BITCH!” I get it, it’s his catch phrase, but move on man. Heard of the law of diminishing returns, much?
9:00pm – There’s visitors at Downton tonight. Lord and Lady Grantham have invited young men into the Abbey to maybe, you know, I don’t know… Downton Abbey has become a two screen experience. There’s the TV screen, and then there is my girlfriend’s face any time Bates is on screen. Downton Abbey is the most predictable show on TV, but that doesn’t make it any less fun. Except last night was not fun because there was a violent sexual crime on the show that was not at all resolved. In fact, the violent sexual crime happens, and then we are forced to watch four other lighthearted scenes until we catch back up with the character. That’s unacceptable.
10:00pm – It’s a fitting sunday night transition between very privileged women on Downton Abbey, and mildly privileged women on Girls. Season 3 of girls is shaping up to be good because Lena Dunham created it. For a moment I was extremely worried that this entire season was going to be about Adam and Hannah raising/not raising a child together. But lo, that was not the case, thankfully. Instead, Hannah and Adam and Shosh, who is full basic-bitch caricature in these two episodes, have a dinner party and then go on a road trip to pick up Jessa at rehab. Adam is the best character at this point, slightly edging out Hannah. This season may just be the two of them throwing out maxims about life at each other, and that wouldn’t be too bad.
11:00pm – We did it. I can’t believe we did it. Congrats everyone. I didn’t even get to watch the premier of True Detective or the Rangers beat the Flyers by a final score of 4-1.