Have you always dreamed of riding silk chiffon (more likely wax leather) coattails down Rodeo Drive rubbing shoulders with the Kardashian Klan all aflutter over your Twitter follower count and the latest homewrecker bomb to be lobbed at you?
Now you can continue not doing those things, but ease the burden of fameless existence a smidgeon by play-acting that you’re Kim’s BFF on an iPhone app.
Kim partnered with Glu Mobile Inc., a leading games publisher also responsible for the Call of Duty franchise and the Bush vs. Kerry Boxing video game, to create ‘Kim Kardashian: Hollywood,’ a mobile gaming app available on both iOS and Android platforms, released last week.
Fame is the name of the game. Your very own fairy Kim-mother (her momager never makes an appearance) navigates you through Hollywood’s photoshoots and PR professionals trying to help a sister out while simultaneously gaining free threads from the boutique you schlep it out at before being graced by Her presence.
The best part is that there’s an underlying good vs. evil moral dilemma at play here, as the game asks you at every step whether you’d like to take a) the high road or b) the money,fame, glitz and glamour.
While I don’t claim to be IRL BFFs with Kim, I do think I learned a thing or two about her from the creepily accurate, and still kind of hot, caricature I spent the last few days with.
My revelations are as follows:
– She says “Bible” a lot more than anyone I’ve ever encountered (pervy youth pastors included). As in “That looks so good on you. Bible.”
– Kim is very respectful of her LGBTQ fans. Before setting me up on a fame-whoring date to further elevate my status, she first asks if I’d rather compromise my values with a man or a woman. Bible.
– Haters are essential. By level three, I already had at least one jealous girl spreading her salty seed all over my faux famous Twitter feed. This catapulted me into the arms of a PR professional thus elevating my ‘career.’ It also gained me a paparazzo whose value is indispensable.
– Dating is really, really important to your fame level or ‘charm points.’ Kim has told me no less than five times that “Dating famous people will get you more fans too.”
– Kim is needy. She sends me push notifications all the livelong day. I would feel bad for Kanye except that he’s probably needier. Wait, do you think he plays?
Speaking of Kanye, his absence strikes an eerie note. Where is he? As Kim’s best friend, shouldn’t I be privy to the occasional sighting or kiss on the cheek?
– In that vein, where is North? Will I be meeting Beyonce and Jay-Z anytime soon? It’s also weird that my first date, Mitchell, has a very Kanye look to him suggesting something buried and Freudian, right?
– This is just a personal gripe, but Kim made me take the bus everywhere. And I had to pay for it myself.
I haven’t gotten to the level where the realistic looking kartoon Kim kries but I think its koming. For now, I’ll enjoy the spoils of wealth and fame and laugh at these nerds who made a game cheat sheet.