A note before beginning: I have seen a grand total of three of these movies. Do not take any of this article seriously or use it to make actual Oscar predictions. That being said, maybe don’t take the Oscars too seriously either. It just doesn’t matter.
Once a year, for the past 87 years, all the greats of Hollywood gather in the place that most of them already live, to celebrate what most think of as the height of our American society: themselves. They will adorn themselves with jewelry and clothing worth millions of dollars and they will lie to Giuliana Rancic about how grateful they are to even be there. Us unwashed masses are allowed to peer into their beautiful world for just one, sweet, perfect night. And in that spirit, I present (some of) the 87th Academy Award nominees, and who’s going to win so you don’t have to tune in.
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything
What the actual fuck is Birdman about? Birdman or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance aka Birdman or This is definitely not at all about Michael Keaton’s life after Batman (guys c’mon, you picked Birdman? It even has the same first letter as Batman. Try a little.) I read the synopsis and it sounds like the epitome of a Hollywood circle jerk. Actual washed up actors playing washed up actors trying to be directors playing actors killing themselves. So Birdman wins, because isn’t that what these award shows are? An enormous, glittery circle jerk?
The Academy is allowed to nominate up to ten films for the Best Picture category, but they seem to have gone white girl on Hollywood and they just couldn’t. Like it’s exhausting. They’re exhausted. They just can’t right now.
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
Bradley Cooper, American Sniper
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
I admire all of the actors on this list. They are all very talented, very good-looking white men. But unfortunately none of them will win. #Oscarssowhite takes the award for best actor, mostly because David Oyelowo wasn’t nominated for his performance as Martin Luther King Jr. in Selma. Not nominated for playing MLK. Really. That’s how the Academy’s gonna play it. Good call guys. Embracing diversity in film is soooo 2014. I read an article about how Selma came out late in the Oscars game, there wasn’t enough campaigning for it, and that’s why it didn’t get many nominations. I don’t really have an argument against that. If the Oscars are really that political, then there is truly nothing to say.
Marion Cotillard, Two Days, One Night
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike for being able to murder Neil Patrick Harris.
Robert Duvall, The Judge
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Who is J.K. Simmons? The guy in the Farmers Insurance ads? Wait really?
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Laura Dern, Wild
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods
Amal Alamuddin will win for being George Clooney’s wife. You read that right, wife (GASP). The Internet has collectively lost its shit over Amal, especially after Clooney’s fawning Golden Globes speech. The British model/Pantene ad had been playing the role of a human rights lawyer for quite a few years before she met Clooney while attending a $1000 per plate charity dinner to help eliminate that pesky “hunger” issue once and for all. Her best known achievement thus far has been locking down one of Hollywood’s most notorious womanizers. Thank you Amal. Can I call you Amal? You have shown us all that there is hope — we can change our men! Huzzah!
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Birdman
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Bennett Miller, Foxcatcher
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Morten Tyldum, The Imitation Game
I don’t have many snarky things to say about this sausage fest. Linklater for Boyhood, because original ideas are a rare commodity.
Animated Feature Film
Big Hero 6
How to Train Your Dragon 2
Song of the Sea
The Tale of the Princess Kaguya
Lego Movie. The impressive animation? The twist ending? The beautiful message about embracing change, creativity and our own unique minds? CHARLIE DAY? None of those things warranted an Oscar nod?!?! LEGO MOVIE.
Emmanuel Lubezki, Birdman
Robert D. Yeoman, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Lukasz Zal and Ryszard Lynzewski, Ida
Dick Pope, Mr. Turner
Roger Deakins, Unbroken
“Cinematography,” for those of you not as cultured as moi, is like camera stuff. I think The Grand Budapest Hotel should win for like the camera stuff.
Milena Canonero, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Mark Bridges, Inherent Vice
Colleen Atwood, Into the Woods
Anna B. Sheppard, Maleficent
Jacqueline Durran, Mr. Turner
Yawn. No Victorian era period pieces. Don’t care.
Last Days in Vietnam
The Salt of the Earth
Finding Vivian Maier
I’d rather watch this as a cage match — Snowden against gorillas! That’s more fun. Can someone make a cartoon of this? I’ll pay you (in hugs)!
Joel Cox and Gary Roach, American Sniper
Sandra Adair, Boyhood
Barney Pilling, The Grand Budapest Hotel
William Goldenberg, The Imitation Game
Tom Cross, Whiplash
This is a thing?
Foreign Language Film
Lol. I’m not classy enough for this category. I think Leviathan is Russian? Then it’s probably super depressing and impossible to understand, i.e. it’s a winner.
Makeup and Hairstyling
Bill Corso and Dennis Liddiard, Foxcatcher
Frances Hannon and Mark Coulier, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Elizabeth Yianni-Georgiou and David White, Guardians of the Galaxy
Steve Carell’s prosthetic nose (which is also the name of the cover band I’m starting).
There are more categories that could be covered, but I will leave you with the image of Steve Carell’s gigantic fake schnozz. It gives me hope for the future, like a beacon in an otherwise dark world. So go out into the world and be inspired by the glory that Hollywood has given us! Go forth and multiply so there will be more people to actually buy movies again!