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Amy Schumer was recently on Ellen, and upon being asked if she was dating, she answered, “No, I’m not on any of the dating websites.”

This made me panic. Because Amy Schumer is kind of my Messiah based on everything else she said on Ellen that day, and she said it like dating and online dating are the same thing now, and I’m just not ready for that to be the the truth. Internet dating can’t be the only kind of dating that exists anymore. I’m bad at it, I’m afraid of it, and I am deeply repulsed by it for the following reasons:

  • Once I signed up for eHarmony because they boasted an unbelievably accurate personality test and when I took it, they just told me I was a great girl that deserved love, and then they emailed me for the rest of my life.
  • Tinder only makes me think of all the men who swipe left without even getting to know me. I’m a fun girl. It’s just not fair, and it hurts my feelings.
  • Hinge allows you the familiarity of having friends in common, and that’s too much like that thing where your friend swears you’ll like the guy she works with, and then you don’t, but he likes you, and then you have to destroy his heart.
  • And then there’s Happn, the app in which you can see someone out in public and then talk to them via the app, instead of with your faces like normal people. After a LOT of research, I learned that Happn is actually the worst out of all of them for a bunch of reasons, one being that Aaron now has to find a new noodle place.

Hunting for love via my internet connection just isn’t for me. Know what is for me? Getting to know someone under no romantic pretense and then pining for them from afar, forever. That makes my parents sad though, so I’ve come up with some alternatives for dating apps that will give you a good sense of the kind of person you’re getting to know, but in a way that doesn’t force you to be vulnerable or honest about your feelings.

  1. Walk down a crowded street with a bubble machine. Only date those who smile and pop the bubbles. Anyone who ignores spontaneous bubble-related joy is a monster and deserves to die alone.
  1. Head out to your front lawn and line up various flavors of milkshakes. Ideally, your milkshakes will bring boys to the yard. At this point you can engage in light conversation and get to know said boys. Best to lean toward the boy who chooses your second or third favorite flavor of milkshake, as you don’t want someone who hogs your favorite flavor when you have a momentary lapse of judgement and think it’s a good idea to share. Under no circumstances should you undulate your body in this exercise, as your literal milkshakes may bring others to the yard, such as children and me.
  1. Enter a crowded Starbucks and sit next to a man you think may be worthy of your time. After a while, excuse yourself to use the restroom and ask him to watch your stuff. Arrange for a friend of yours to then enter and rifle through your things. If the man stops this apparent ruffian, you’ll know he’s honest and loyal. The binding verbal contract of “will you keep an eye on my stuff?” must never ever be broken, so if he breaks it, you’ll know he’s a shit human being. Note: if it works out, be sure never to introduce him to the “delinquent” friend of yours, or he’ll know you are indeed a big faker, even though you did it for love.
  1. Wear a quirky t-shirt. It can’t just be any quirky t-shirt though, it has to be one you really, really like. Anyone who comments on it adoringly will be compatible with you. Most of my t-shirts have one or more Jonas Brother faces on them, and nobody talks to me when I’m wearing them, not even other girls, so it’s important to choose wisely. My Bluth Frozen Banana t-shirt is hugely popular, and I would only ever want to date someone who appreciates Arrested Development anyway, so that’s the one I’m going to go with. Don’t ever pick a shirt that you don’t like, but you think a hot guy will like, because that’s like catfishing. Offline catfishing. Real life catfishing. Is there a word for that? Oh yeah, lying.

I have tried exactly zero of these methods of falling in love, but still offer a 100% guarantee that they will work. You know I’m telling the truth because I’m cuter than that guy who invented eHarmony. (Right? Right!?)

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