It’s wedding season. Not only do you have to pick out a color scheme, dresses, and a wedding venue, but you also have to pick out a song that captures the kind of relationship you and your partner had, have, and will have. Here are a few of the most popular songs on the radio right now, and what they bode for the rest of your married life:
“Trap Queen” – Fetty Wap
You and your spouse picked this as your wedding song because you two just read this piece explaining the ways in which “Trap Queen” is both a love song and a banger. You are probably 2015 Bonnie and Clyde, Hov and B. Ride or die. Nothing can tear you apart. When he sees you he says, “Hey, wassup, hello,” like he’s trying to hit on you at a Costco because he still finds you unbelievably attractive even though you’ve been happily married for 50 years. Married to the money but also to each other, forever and ever.
“Dear Future Husband” – Meghan Trainor
If this is your wedding song, it’s your fault that the marriage dissolves after only five months. Meghan Trainor is the kind of girl who is oblivious to the indisputable fact that everyone hates her. She starts off with, “Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know,” and right off the bat I’m like, “Great. We aren’t even married yet and you’re already giving me a list of things I need to do.” This is the song you play right after he says “I do” because if a normal person were to ever think this song was dedicated to them, they’d call off the wedding immediately.
Meghan sings, “You know I’m never wrong.” This is literally insane-person behavior. It’s straight up psycho to be entitled to anything just because you’re cute. “We’ll never see your family more than mine.” Why are you already threatening me? “Buy me a ring, buy buy me a ring.” I can’t believe this. It’s over, Meghan.
“Thinking Out Loud” – Ed Sheeran
Congratulations! You, me, and everyone else. It’s a slow, heartfelt ballad wherein Ed promises a forever marriage. He sings, “Darling, I will be loving you ‘til we’re 70.” Even when I’m cranky and old and have liver spots, Ed? “I fall in love with you every single day” is a line Ed stole from a generic wedding vow which makes sense because this is a wedding song, after all. Have you seen the music video? It practically mimics a first wedding dance. “Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars” isn’t remotely unique but it’s romantic all the same.
If you pick this song, you and your partner are bound to have a boring, basic, ordinary marriage. But at least you’ll be in love. Until you’re 70!!!
“I Really Like You” – Carly Rae Jepsen
You’re probably under 25 years old. Neither of you knows how to set up the utilities or the electricity at your first apartment. Who knows if you’ll last because you’re the kind of person who doesn’t think about tomorrow. You’re too busy trying to have a good time. You think, “What better way to start a marriage than a declaration that you really really really like someone via a classic Carly Rae Jepsen song?” It’s honest, it’s bubbly, it’s happy. I really like you, dude. I might even love you but I dunno yet.
You get divorced at 27.
“Uptown Funk” – Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars
Don’t invite me to your wedding.
“Only One” – Kanye West
Not to be confused with the Yellowcard song of the same name—the heartsong of my 15-year-old self—this is Kanye’s song. This is Kanye without hard edges, soft, blurred. This is Kanye just before he realizes a camera is on him.
“I talked to God about you, he said he sent you an angel. And look at all that he gave you. You asked for one and you got two.” Those are obviously the most touching lines in the song, but the quiet piano that accompanies Kanye’s voice, almost whispering, makes “Only One” what it is. It’s a love song between Kanye and his mom but it’s also a song to Kim and Nori. Sometimes I’ll lie in bed in the dark just listening to this song on repeat because it reminds of the kind of pure love that can exist between people.
You can’t pick this as your wedding song because it’s too personal. But I couldn’t just leave out one of the most romantic songs I’ve ever heard.
“Want to Want Me” – Jason Derulo
I’m not really a slow dance kind of girl so this song would be perfect, if my future husband is out there reading this right now. “Girl, you’re the one I want to want me.” I’m the only one he wants to want him? Aww, that’s sweet but not overbearingly so. “And if you want me, girl, you’ve got me.” Like it could be easy. Like I only have to ask. “There’s nothing I know I wouldn’t do just to get up next to you.” Wow. And he doesn’t even say, like, “I want to marry you,” because if he did I’d be like, “Yoooo slow down.” He only wants to be next to me—as if that’s enough. Swoon.
If you pick this song you’re destined for a romantic life with a guy who has accurate expectations about what a marriage is supposed to be like. As long as you’re next to him, everything’s going to be okay. Maybe you don’t even have to get married. Maybe just being next to each other is enough.
Who knew the best wedding song would be by Jason Derulo?