This is an intervention. I’m here because I care about you. I know Netflix seemed exciting at first, because he showed you all kinds of things you’d never seen before. He was new and different. He let you be yourself. He liked you with no make up, and he never judged you when you cheated on your diet. But let’s face the truth.

Look I know how it goes when you get comfortable with someone: you fall into a routine, you start to forget about all the plans you made when you were younger…I just don’t want you to wake up one day with Cheeto dust in your cleavage wondering where your youth went. I know this is difficult. But it’s time to see Netflix for what he really is.

He doesn’t let you see your friends

And no, as much as you feel like you’d really have fun in Litchfield prison, those OINTB ladies aren’t your friends. So why are you spending a solid three days with them? It’s because Netflix is an enabler and an abuser. Even when you invite me over, you ignore me and we’re stuck listening to him run his mouth. I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation that didn’t start with, “What episode are you on?”

He ignores the really obvious hints you drop

Look, boys are dense. If you want something you have to spell it out for them (literally, in the search bar). If they STILL don’t understand or care about what you want, they don’t really love you. Just keep that in mind when you tell Netflix you feel like watching Up in the Air and he shows up with four Air Bud movies.

He never leaves you satisfied

Can you even remember the last time he gave you a new release? One you were actually excited about? Does he even have more than one movie with your favorite actor on file? Look, I get that he delivers sometimes, but be honest with yourself. How much of your relationship is nothing but blind hope and vague promises? You deserve more than B comedies and straight to DVD releases. You deserve premium content, goddamnit.

He doesn’t flatter you

When you’re in a healthy relationship, you’re your best self. Your best self isn’t near-horizontal with two chins and glazed-over eyes. When was the last time Netflix made you feel beautiful?

He doesn’t show up

I mean, wasn’t his readiness to impress you part of his appeal in the beginning? But it’s always something, isn’t it? Low connectivity, or that vague error message that seems to cover all manner of sins. And where do you suppose he is when he just randomly disappears? I’ll tell you. He’s on the couch with somebody else.

He encourages destructive behavior

Sometimes you disappear for days, and when you finally surface, you’re sallow with vitamin deficiency. And for what? All ten seasons of Friends? Girl, you’ve already seen all the Friends episodes twice. They’ll be in syndication until the end of time. He’s not offering you anything worthwhile!

You know who was great? Blockbuster. Sure he was older. He wasn’t as sexy. But you two were great together. He was always there. He always gave you what you needed. He took a little bit more work, yes. You had to put in more effort. You had to put on pants. But he always gave you what you needed without forcing you to binge. He understood moderation and he even liked being seen with you in public. I know it’s too late and that the ship has sailed, but what I’m trying to get at is that you deserve better. You deserve a relationship with substance. Something a little more grown up.

Have you met HBO Go?