For reasons I don’t understand and never care to, Bachelor in Paradise and all other iterations of the show have taken over every social circle on the planet, leaving it impossible for me engage in the meaningful daily discussions about climate change or, like, Joe Jonas’ Instagram account. Everyone watches Bachelor in Paradise, and cares about it, and talks about it, and GIFs about it, and my desire to sit at the cool table trumps my desire to be an authentic and thoughtful human being, so I’ve decided to try jumping on the BiP train.
The only hiccup is that I don’t have a TV or the patience for that garbage TV show. Instead, I’ve worked out a way to muscle myself into the hashtag with a social experiment that I’m fairly certain is completely flawless.
Here’s how you enjoy The Bachelor without actually watching it:
1. Enter the Conversation
To enter the conversation, you have to know some names. The show isn’t worth any degree of research, so I’ve found that this is achieved most easily by lobbing up an obvious, general description that could apply to anyone and letting an actual fan fill in the blanks for you. I’ve tested this theory, and it works like a charm. I would venture to guess that any benign description of anyone you’ve ever seen on reality TV will do: that girl with the big hair, that dude with the really tight shirt, Cleavage McGee, etc.
2. Form a firm, polarizing opinion.
It has to be as offensive and as unfair as you can possibly make it sound without actually knowing anything about the show.
“Carly is the craziest bitch on the show, but she’s still the only one who deserves love…and her tits are gross.”
Is Carly crazy? Maybe. Is she the only one who deserves love? Of course not. Are her tits gross? I seriously doubt it, they’re probably amazing; why else would they put her in Paradise? But none of these truths matter.
3. Toss the grenade into a collection of avid fans.
If you can, aim it at someone you know is a fan of the person you’re shit-talking. Best if said fan has already got a volatile personality. Then, toss a playful elbow to the person standing across from her and go, “RRRRIIIIIGHT?” in order to pit them against each other. As soon as you get a good energy going, bow out of the Bachelor discussion circle. If you feel the flames dying down, don’t be afraid to yell, “That’s not what you told me when we got sushi the other day…” until things liven back up.
4. Form opinions of the real people you know based on their opinions of the fake people they don’t know.
Don’t take into account any of their actual strengths or attributes, nor any context of their actual everyday lives. Choose only to form opinions of these people based on the scene that plays out in front of you. Then talk about those opinions to anyone that will listen. Point out that you’re constructing a parallel to the show itself, because if you don’t afford this whole thing sociological meaning, you’re just an asshole. And why just be an asshole when you can be a pretentious asshole?
That’s more or less the only way to make unending Bachelor chatter entertaining.You can continue this exercise weekly, or until friends stop talking about The Bachelor in front of you for the rest of the season. But please note, they will most likely talk about you behind your back for the rest of your life.