On March 25th — less than four months ago — Zayn announced that he was leaving One Direction. I handled it okay. I knew that everything was going to be fine as long as the four remaining members of this stupid band could hold it together.
In a surprising turn of events, they cannot hold anything together, so I’ve taken it upon myself to escape into the One Direction drama for all of you. I have found that we are currently in the midst of the One Direction Apocalypse. Here are the reasons I know this to be true:
ZAYN QUIT THE BAND
Obviously this is still heartbreaking and to be perfectly honest, nothing has been the same since March 25th. But we have to move on with our lives. The silver lining is that Zayn is still around, unemployed but chilling with Kanye and Joe Jonas (???) at fashion shows, releasing poorly edited covers of songs, dying his hair a thousand colors as if he’s going through a crisis, tweeting really hurtful things, you know, the usual. It’s fine. It’s fine. I care less about his hair colors (green, and then purple, and then white), but I do care about his nose ring. What is that, dude?! Take it off! Come back to One Direction!
ZAYN AND LOUIS ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS
When you have beef it’s funnier (albeit more cowardly and immature) to subtweet that person instead of directly replying with their Twitter handle. My mom would suggest that I discuss my disagreements privately, one on one, but my mom doesn’t know how funny it is to tweet the OK emoji right after a nemesis tweets something stupid.
Zayn prefers to reply to people straight up, without any ambiguity, as showcased in this Tweet to former best friend, Louis Tomlinson, half of the duo known as “Zoius.”
@Louis_Tomlinson remember when you had a life and stopped making bitchy comments about mine ?
— zaynmalik (@zaynmalik) May 6, 2015
ZAYN AND NAUGHTY BOY ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS
This isn’t the worst thing that could happen. I actually prefer a world where Zayn and Naughty Boy are not friends. Naughty Boy is a producer and musician that Zayn started hanging out with for reasons that don’t make sense to me. But this falling out is surprising. Zayn is usually the calm, quiet, mysterious one. His tweets He didn’t seem malicious or hurtful; I never knew him to be this ruthless:
Someone learned how to upload a video… maybe now he should learn how to use logic ha you ain’t shit but a faker
— zaynmalik (@zaynmalik) July 13, 2015
These tweets are the reasons why the #ZAYNHASNOCHILL hashtag was trending on Twitter. Zayn definitely doesn’t care about his image calm, quiet, mysterious image post-1D.
LOUIS IS HAVING A BABY
Louis and Eleanor dated for almost four years and quietly broke up in March, around the same time that Zayn left the band. Just a few days ago, it was announced that Louis is set to be a dad with a “close friend” named Briana who I’ve literally never heard of despite my obsession with 1D. I just know for sure that he is not having a baby with Eleanor. This is devastating! I’m worried about this baby! Who will love it? Who will take care of it when Louis and the boys are sitting in the back seats of buses smoking weed and being stupid? Will Harry be the godfather? What does Liam think? How is Niall coping with all of this stress? How can a baby raise another baby?
HARRY’S RECEDING HAIRLINE
I know that this is shallow of me but I’m trying to accept my own flaws as person, and as a flawed, shallow person, I am genuinely stressing out about Harry’s hairline. He’s got that long hair, slicked-backed, white tee-shiiirt thing going on but also he’s got that weird sparkly boots, unattractive man bun thing that I definitely do not like. He’s only 21!!! What can we do??? How young is too young for a hair transplant? The good news, I’ve heard, is that a person’s personality should be worth more than their attractiveness. It’s hard to internalize that as a famous person constantly in the spotlight, being critiqued for literally everything.
I don’t know why I had high expectations for these idiots because they’re essentially children with 10th grade educations but I didn’t think One Direction would crumble like this. I know you guys think I’m being hyperbolic but I’ve never been more serious when I say that the end is near. Love you, 1D.